3:07 p.m. | 2004-08-03
And It Came To This
I refused to lock this thing, I really did.
I thought is was stupid and silly, and I know that I say/think hurtful/stupid things.
Yes Kristin, I am two-faced. I'm a terrible and horrible person, and I'm glad that you know that, because I honestly don't mean to be, or to hurt people.
For those of you who have no idea what's going on, I got a little note in my guestbook today from last year's roomate Kristin.
Now, I have no qualms with Kristin, and have, on many many occasions said pretty sweet things about her. I suppose, in my rants in this thing, I've said some terrible things...
Because I am two faced, part of me cares that people can read this, and I think I should censor myself, part of me doesn't. Part of me thinks I should be the strong person I think I am and just say what I mean. I know the diet cokes were replaced, that's fine, I said it because I was upset and frustrated, and dealing with issues that were not her fault. I simply put my frustrations in here because...well at that point nobody read me. Site numbers showed me that. I'd have a hit a week. Woo.
So I'd go and become frustrated with myself, and life, and things in general, and say things that yeah--I didn't mean. Everytime I said something good about her here I meant it though. She's sweet. And she is very smart, she has this perception of the world that I can't comprehend--at all. And that's amazing. It really is...
Every time that I explained her personality, or tried to be supportive, or loved her hair, or cried 'cause I read something sweet she wrote, I meant it.
She's a great girl. And when I say she destined for success it's because she is. It's because she has talent and more than fucking talent--she has drive.
Sure I say mean things. Sure I'm not always fair. Sure I might have gotten irritated at some points. But had it ever been that big of a deal...I would have brought it up.
The entry she references, I assume, is this one. Where I was frustrated, and tired, and feeling upset and unloved. I had so much to do those days (one of the few times), and I was pondering leaving a city I loved and people I loved, for a career at CU. I was so stressed out and just so overwhelmed that I didn't react correctly. For fuck's sake, I never even said thank you to Jamie for staying up all night and putting those cards on my door. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never told you, Kristin, that I understood, and that it was all stupid and petty. I'm sorry that I never proved to you how special you were to me. I'm sorry I never told you how much I admire you.
That was me...fucking up.
I don't know if you'll ever even come back to read this. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me. But know that I do miss you. And that I am sorry. And that everytime I giggled, remembered something, and sent you a message saying 'you know what, I miss you' I meant it.
Me getting frustrated is always my fault.
