1:05 a.m. | 2004-08-03
These Are Jack's Actual Thoughts
I have far surpassed a year. Are you aware of that?
I sure as hell wasn't. It was a tuesday and I, thoughtfully, called it "Beginning To An End."
I trailed off terribly, used < p > markers where I should have put < br >'s and dabbled on about every topic that I could, even making a terrible, very haughty list at the end. So this brought me to thinking...one, what have I accomplished on that list, and two, how have I changed?
We'll adress the first. I promised talks of childhood. While I've mentioned it many many times, I think I best adressed it in the ode which began with this. I then promised some "escapades of self thought." I think everything here can be chalked up to that. Followed quickly by stories of boys, reference: Gabe, talks of Ryan, some talks of dating history, and "some amazing philosophical crap that might just blow your mind :D" Oh yes people, I used a smiley. But never once did I use lol! Ha!
So, except for the dating history, I've accomplished it all. But...being a newbie to the diaryland community (only joining by stumbling over it from some girl's UGLY diary that I had randomly found), did I know what I wanted? What I needed to accomplish? And where this would lead me?
This brings us to the second question, I suppose. Who was I then, and who am I now? Well for one I have a practical and working knowledge of HTML (by force). I...know how to use paragraph breaks, and link tags, and even put in an image or two. But this made me stop in my tracks...
Gabe, infamous, sexy, smart, sweet, and well, Gabriel David. Great middle name by the way, but that's another point. I found myself online last night and very soon after I got a little hello from him, I generally don't say hi in an effort not to bother him. Well we talked for a bit then he mentioned that he was hungry, and I already owed him a dinner so we decided to go out.
Now, tell me what's changed? Tell me what I do differently? Tell me how I think and feel and act different?
Not a single fucking bit. This diary was started because of him. And I've fallen in love with it, really I have, its a great piece, but I'm not proud of my early entries. And hell, I'm not so proud of what I write now...but I still feel the same way about a boy who doesn't and never will love me.
I'm utterly head over heels for a boy that leads me to disaster, time and time again. That has me curling up into little balls and crying, and driving home at 8 am with no pants on. He's never done a good thing for me.
He told me once, that I was sexy. And a few times (after he was so turned on he couldn't stand it) that he wanted me. But...how am I to believe him? His words are generally pure lust, and we almost always talk about him, and while here and there I get a compliment about what sort of person I am...he fucking hurts me every time we're together.
Because I deserve something more than him. I deserve something better. And if I have to fucking change myself to get it--I will...'cause anything is better than being stuck in this fucking rut.
