3:30 a.m. | 2004-03-28
Maybe I Don't Want To Find The Old Me
First: thank you.
You know who you are. You know why you deserve it. And it makes me happy that you think so.
I try to make this real. I'm going to be honest with that. As much as I love watching the people around me screw up, run around like idiots, and waste away their days--I try to be a better person.
I waste my life daily, though. I fuck around and do nothing. Is that justice to who I am and what I want to be though? The rest of the world fucks around and then fights to survive every once and a while. I fuck around and never fight. What could I do with myself if I pushed? What could I accomplish?
I thought of this the other day as I was thinking of Jessa. When I think of her, or look at her, or hear her speak--I know she's destined for the greatest of things. I know she has this passion in so many things. She's going to do and be so many things.
And I honestly can't wait to see that. So when I step back and look at myself, what do I see?
Someone who has managed to get through her education based on what she knew. A person who rarely ever actually picks up a text book, but still makes the grade. Someone who's taken hand-outs all her life. Someone who hasn't earned it.
I need to earn it. I need to realize what I am and change it. I need to swallow my fears and realize that there is no perfection in perfection--only lies that make you appear perfect. And that by going to bed earlier than some people I will not miss things. Even if I do miss things--what's the big deal? I need to learn that when someone comes to me asking for something I don't need to have it. I need to learn to sit down and study, and work for things. I need to learn not to be weak.
I'm not a weak person--and for once in my life I need to learn to show it.
I've proved myself to me once, perhaps I can do it again.
Signing off--Lauren
(ps I apologize for any missing "i's" because my i key has been a bastard as of late)
