3:35 p.m. | 2004-03-27
Where's The Old Me?
Bad dog. I've been a bad dog.
Honestly I haven't been able to bring myself to update because of that whole fiasco with my writing being deleted.
I was hurt. I didn't think I could feel that attached to simple words--but I did. They were the first real things I had said in a while.
While I agree that I have been getting better--I have been writing more honestly, and saying things the best I can--I know that I used to write better. I know that I used to have emotion and I know that the huge spiral book with the pretty flowers and the green suede backing is filled with coherent and well written thoughts. Things like the order of the universe. Theories on why people act as such. Reason.
I've lost that. I've become so focused with having fun that sitting around and thinking has lost its luster. I have my moments, today I'll most likely end up at a coffee shop for a few hours just looking out the window watching the rain fall--but that's just a maybe.
Instead I'll finish my laundry, fold it, clean my room, make things pretty and have a moment of two for self loathing. Always gotta make time for that self loathing. An important part of anyone's day.
It's not to say I haven't been pondering the musings of late. It's just that I've been watching so many people do it better. So many people put it out there better than I do, so much more elegant. I want to write like that--elegantly.
I find myself having to battle my mood to write. I feel like writing inspiration--but I can't. The weather yesterday lent itself to that. It was warm. I could wear a skirt and a halter, and be happy. This morning looked like this. As I got up to go to the gym it was wonderfully sunny, but in the process of showering it became cold, rainy, and without any sun.
So here I am, in my birkenstocks, shorts, a tank top and listening to Bob Marley and it's...raining?
Oy.
Figure that out people.
Signing off--Lauren
