late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

2:48 a.m. | 2004-02-29
The Change: Part 4 of 4

--This is part four of a four part series, read: part one, part two,
part three--

Dad got better, though. The years of nightly fighting are gone. We now drive in cars for days together and we�re CIVIL. More than civil, I stop being prissy, and he stops being stuck up and we discuss philosophy and history and all those things I love.

He pays for college, yes. But I�d die without him in my life right now. We�ve gotten closer. It still makes me disgusted to hug him�and I pull away every time and he barely gets any kind of touch in at all. Right now it disgusts me to think of it. Perhaps I�ll get better with that. I see all these old men around me (apparently I�m with some HUGE group of old people on an outing who are all related in some manner�I see a lot of WWII jackets and hats etc), and I can�t help but think that my father�s getting there, and how terrible it�d be for him to grow old thinking that I hate him (he knows I don�t), or just in generally not knowing how I feel.

So mommy was�mommy. She wasn�t there, and when she told me I did well I didn�t trust her. She used to tell me to �stop using that IB logic on me Lauren!� I�d sit there dumbfounded. It�s simple logic. We don�t think the same�we clash. So when she�d say �great job on this essay,� (keep in mind I�ve asked her to read over a total of 2 essays in my life, out of the close to 75 I�ve written) I wouldn�t believe her. Who�s she to know Dostoevsky? Camus? Kant? Anything of importance? So I got no reciprocation there. Plus the berating about my physical character did not help.

Daddy was there, not there, happy, angry, etc. He offered me things, but he didn�t really raise me when he started going nuts. Now he�s better and I�m to assume that he�s changed forever. Maybe. I don�t know. I still see hints of the old him.

So I have this need to fulfill, and that�s what this is all about. I have this need to make myself wanted and needed, �cause they didn�t. Perhaps I�ll get over it as I get older. Perhaps I�ll change my image and be happy with who I am.

All I can say at this point is that I�m me; and in that same statement that I�m changing. I don�t know who or what I�m turning into, but I for one am excited to see where this goes. The only thing missing is someone to be at my side as I smile to hold my hand.

Any takers?

Signing Off--Lauren

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