late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

1:24 p.m. | 2004-02-27
The Change: Part 2 of 4

--This is part two of a four part series, read: part one--

So onto my weaknesses with men:

This shouldn�t be any surprise to y�all, �cause it isn�t to me, but I depend on other people, especially the male gender, to make me feel worthy. I mean I can sit down and think why I�m �worthy� in senses�but I don�t really believe a single one of the things that I say. Should I? I don�t feel they�re true? How does one boost self confidence? How does one learn to love oneself?

There�s some irony. I love everyone, literally everyone, but I don�t love myself. I need a car, I need smaller pants, I need the best job, I need to bow to everyone�s wishes to make them love me. I took some quiz the other day (one of those crazy PhD certified ones) and it said something about me needing to do things like that to make sure people love me. It�s true. And I know it. I don�t think I�ve confronted it in here, though.

Validation. Encouragement. All the things I never received as a child. Lauren got an A on her Meeting of the Minds project and won her debate. Oh, really? Huh. For some reason I became so jaded as a child from the lack of attention in that respect that even when they started to pay attention, my father more than my mother, I ignored it. I remember my father and I talking about my High School band concerts (Wind Ensemble generally) when we honestly kicked some serious ass�and he�d be great about that. He could honestly support that fact that I did well.

For some reason though he pulled away when I needed it most. I think I�ve placed it at about 4-13 or so. He got a bit better in junior high, though not much. He got all weird and pulled away and my mother started working all too often.

So now he pays attention, he�s ready for children, he�s ready to be the perfect father. Why do I have to get the brunt of that shit, then? And more than that�I don�t think he realizes it. Someday when I�m 30 or so we�ll sit down and talk about it I�m sure.

At a point where I feel that I can�t hurt myself more by thinking or talking about it (because even now I�m willing to risk tears in a public space�a big no-no for Lauren�just to type this).

...continue on to part three...

Signing off--Lauren

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