late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

3:08 p.m. | 2006-12-09
I Envy The Way That You Move

I don't know why I have the feeling that I need to admit these things. I just feel like...I should feel bad. I should feel guilty and to blame and upset and like I'm ruining myself but -- like I've said times before, I don't care.

Last night wasn't amazing. But it was nice. If I loved him and if he was really in love with me and if life was that sparkly then it would have been one of the best nights of my life. The way his skin felt against mine. The way we fit together. The way I could just...

It's not unfair anymore. Because if anyone is dumb enough to get hurt by this relationship then they deserve it. He doesn't love me and I don't love him. And we get along and we match perfectly in bed and he's amazingly attractive...

And he says sweet things. He tells the girl who never thought she was pretty (that's me) that he loves what I'm wearing. He notices that I might be uncomfortable about something and tells me how hot it looks. That doesn't make us soulmates.

And that's what I was tied up in for so long. If he told me my eyes were gorgeous, how could he not love me? If I cooked better than his mother, how could he not love me? If see where this is all going. It didn't make sense. Either he was deceiving me or something was being missed.

I got a new haircut and color and I love it. I've looked at myself more in the past week and thought, "boy, I look good." I've never ran so hard on a treadmill in my life. Things are starting to work out and if I need a crutch to cuddle and sleep with while I'm getting back on my feet?

I suppose I don't see much wrong with that.

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