9:52 p.m. | 2006-11-09
I Run These Stories Through My Head
Sometimes I hold my breath. For very extended moments.
I've been listening to that strange nihilistic/existential music as of late. It's been making me think about who I am and where I am and why I am. But not in those exact ways. I've been realizing how young I am. 21 and going slow -- I've got the whole road in front of me. Yet I can't help but look at this moment. I'm so youthful and vital and amazing right now.
I watch those around me and thing, oh gosh, compared to them I'm a dream! How sensitive I am, how sweet I am, the way I internalize things. All of these tiny amazing things about me. And then I start to think about how this is all going to change. That each year I lose a little of that vitality. Each year I lose some sassiness and each year I get a little more straight laced. I've accepted that no one's going to be interested in me right now (I'm too different). But then I got to thinking...
When I grow up and I'm all set in my ways -- will I still be as wonderful? Will I talk about that time that I...or will I mention how I used to...or will I just pretend to be normal -- like I never was this awe inspiring person. I just can't help but think that the sun is proverbially setting on my younger years and the only person around to see it is a boy who I don't even like.
I told him last week that I had gotten used to the fact that he was never going to be good at calling me back, or remembering our meetings -- and that I'd gotten over it. I told him I wasn't angry. Needless to say he flew off the handle and made me the victim (which sadly, I do admit to loving). We're not the same now (at least the same as we had been in the weeks before it).
I start to wonder if I care (and if I do, or don't, does it matter?). I start to wonder all of these things but for the first time in my life have given up on living in the future (where I'll go to law school, what my plan for next week will be, what color my room is going to end up) or in the past (he told me I was the reason they got a divorce) and I've taken life by the balls and just been living.
I've missed some classes (on complete accident) and forgot to study (not on accident) and the world has kept turning. We'll just see how long it lasts. I didn't leave, for the record, I've kept up -- I've just felt much more like that quiet brunette in the back of the room with nothing much to say and nothing much to care about.