10:01 p.m. | 2004-08-16
You've Got To Promise Not To Stop When I Say When
I lost track of how many cigarettes grazed my fingertips tonight as all I remember was they were lit, end to end, from one another. One small fire starting another of the same kind, but in another place, on another street, and to another song.
With each breath I took I said a little goodbye to you. With each word I sang, and with each moment I spent I found myself letting go of the me you loved and saying hello to the me I want to be.
I found that I'm always my harshest critic, and I found that out tonight as I pondered the miles away. Winding county roads and miles of unlit pavement passed under me as only the dim glow of red from my tail lights could be seen behind me. I imagined you were back there, sitting alone, trying to start your own little path, that while may have passed mine at one point, now diverges.
Because you don't like me that way. And more than that--I'm not good enough for you. And I'm beginning to accept that. Thinking of all the things you wanted from me--I never was any good at those. I'm much better at other things. Much more confident. And much more passionate about them. I shouldn't punish you for not seeing what I could do well, or hate you for never noticing me more than just that--I should thank you for making me realize that while I can't be what you want, I have plenty in me that is worthy, and which someone could want.
While my path is dark and dimly lit and offers very little hope in the way of an easy time I have found that for small brief moments you could love me, and you could want to be with me, and you could find me worthy.
And while I'll never hang off your arm, you make me realize that I do deserve that status with someone, somewhere.
