9:42 p.m. | 2004-08-14
My Skull To The Barrel Of A Gun
What happened tonight reminds me of a certain part of one of my favorite movies, because I almost quoted it when I saw him.
I drove by Gabe's tonight, just...because I wanted to see if he was there, or if he was doing something in the yard, or I don't know, I suppose I kind of wanted to get caught. I passed his house and started to pull out of his neighborhood when my cell phone rang. It was him.
"Hey." His voice was deeper than I remembered, and my eyes started welling with tears at the sound. I choked it up a little and said hello in a meek voice. He said he had been sitting on the front stoop, strange because I hadn't seen him, and that he saw what he assumed was me driving by. He told me the screaming sad emo music was his first clue. I laughed a little at him, wanting to drop the phone, raise my hands to my face, and sob for no apparant reason.
He continued on, "...did you need something?" I managed to eek out a no and he told me to turn around and come back. I did as he told. I pulled up to his house and very slowly turned the car off. Deliberate paused as I placed my hands, calloused and dirty from work in my lap, looking down at my stained shirt. He got into my car and looked over at me and I spoke:
"Look, Gabe, I don't think I can do this. I'm not sure why I feel this way, or why I feel guilty, or why I keep running to or away from things." He looked at me pensively and I paused, then began to quote...
Laura: "Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It's either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm."
The tears were so close to my cheeks at this point I fiddled with my fingers trying to distract myself, it didn't work. I knew he had a girlfriend, and I sucked in another breath and told him to ignore what I had said, that I would see him soon, and that I needed to get home and get some sleep before work tomorrow.
I didn't really even talk to him tonight. He told me that he was sitting on the stoop, and to turn around. He never even spoke a word to me in person as he silently got up and out of my car. Of course I cried all the way home as I had the movie scene of me looking into my rear-view mirror and seeing him, hands shoved in his pockets, in his driveway, watching me go.
He never really loved me or wanted me in that way, and tonight I almost fell. I almost handed myself to temptation, and it wasn't even offered.
I need to get over this boy, I need someone else to love me so I don't have to quote bad movie lines from great movies like that...I need something new.
