late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

9:27 p.m. | 2004-08-17
His Real Name Was James

You know...in my life I've never had to utter words that said that I couldn't. In other words, I've never had an obligation I didn't fulfill. Whether it was graduating, or covering a shift, or yearbook--it all worked out in the end.

So now that I'm "learning life lessons" but taking a year off and such I'm coming to realize a few things. I get up for work at approximately 4 am almost every morning. I'm at work by 5, out of work by 2 pm and then I head home. Taking a nap at this point is really not an option because I have to be back to work at either 4 or 5. Then I work until we close, where we generally get out at 9:30-10.

Now. I ain't no math major, and I'm really not that good at counting, but that's working for about 14 hours a day. Again, I'm still trying to figure out why my paycheck isn't massive, I'm attributing it to food at this point. But that's not the point. My points are as follows:

1) When do I sleep?
2) When do I eat dinner?
3) When do I go to the gym?
4) When do I sit down ('cause my feet are killing me)?
5) When do I keel over and die?

It's the last one that gets me. I've never keeled over before, so why would I now? I've never considered it, though, and these days, as they pass, I think about it more and more. Can I really hold 10 hour days? Can I really survive that? Will that make me stronger? And what will happen in the end...

My personality is independent and strong-willed. I fear that means I'm like a horse stuck to a carriage. I fear that I'll pull and tug as hard as I can until I literally fall over. Until I push myself so hard that I start hurting myself. As my shoes dig into my feet, my smile wears thin, and I find myself crying at night for no reason at all.

I'm scared of hurting myself that much. For now I can handle, but I'm scared.

If you see me falling to pieces, not being able to speak, coming back rarely, please tell me. 'Cause I don't want to fall so far I can't save myself.

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