10:35 p.m. | 2004-07-08
If I Were A Number Would You Still Love Me?
You people do so much for me. I've been trying my best to return notes and guestbook markings and emails--and it's so nice to hear those things.
For once, though. I'm not fixed. It's not a miracle change of "oh, I'm all better now." It's another one of those 'yes, things suck, but I can actively make them better.'
So I won't be literary. I won't be short. I won't try and make it pretty. I'll be truthful.
I've left you out of a lot in the last few weeks. One main thing being...I'm no longer blonde like I used to be. I'm a brunette who's fading to a dark red-brown. Time to re-dye it in fact.
I'm planning a wedding. My father is getting re-married (to a lady named Maria Alba) and I'm in charge of making everything go since both of them are either going to be out of the country or out of the state for the next two weeks (the wedding's on the 18th).
I'm working at both jobs, but I'm planning for the future. Not only do I have an accounting book I'm picking up books on management and I've basically set out a mental plan for what I want to do with the business. I have thoughts as to market, as to people I can talk to (I'm really lucky to know the top market analyst at Kraft--like macaroni and cheese Kraft), things I'll need to consider, and plans to get me there.
It's all too much to put here. I can work in Boston at Starbucks as I get things going. I can try other things, I can go jobless for a few weeks, I'm willing to do just about anything. Because I think I need to prove to myself for once that I can do something drastic. So everyone who was like 'oh, Lauren, the one who could have been so much' can respond with more of a 'she actually went out to Boston? And she started her own business? Wow!'
I need to work at something, people. But I get more and more scared each day.
And even worse, and I hope this is temporary (please let it be temporary), but I'm getting nervous about my current jobs. I'm not doing my best at Starbucks, I'm getting better, but I almost cried today when Mari (a co-worker) scolded me like I was her child. And then she got the order I was in the process of making wrong. I'm sorry that the girl working bar is slow, I thought I'd help.
And then today at my second place of business, Inta Juice, I went to have a shift changed and the manager at the other store said she'd "rather not, 'cause it'll be busy." Um. Ok. Apparantly I'm not what they tell me I am. Everyone says I'm doing way better than the people I came in with, but maybe I have a big head. And I fucked it up even more (and I shouldn't have done this) but they mentioned at the last meeting that there was one week with a ton of shift changes, and to watch that.
What do I do? I go making pretty computer made signs that say: "Need A Shift Covered? (or just feeling supremely lazy?) Call Lauren!" How's that for shooting myself in the foot?
Honestly.
I just gotta stop fucking up. And I had so many people bother me at work today (friends/family) that I looked like a slacker.
God damn it.
And I'm scared.
Oh joy.
I'm ok, though. I am getting better. But this was a kick in the pants. And Gabe's fallen in love with another girl. You can guess how that makes me feel. I unjustly am...well upset.
I'm ok. Crying, but ok.
Thank you, again, thank you.
Signing Off--Lauren
*ps, check the profile for new comments for those on my buddy list, my biography page for new favorite entries, and my extras page for new links.*
