11:33 p.m. | 2004-07-07
Post Script...
How can sadness be so deep seeded.
How can I honestly survive a day feeling like this. How can the guilt ride on me and the tears fall from my eyes, and yet I keep going every morning.
How the fuck do I keep up.
She's gone. Jamie's not with me. She's at home working and trying to cope and being the best little girl she can.
He's gone. Colin's far far away. He can't say things to my face that comfort me anymore. And he can't honestly offer to protect me.
He's gone. Gabe's out of my reach. He's too good. He's too perfect for me. And he'd never love me.
Everyone I've ever loved...Jessa, Connie, Nicole, Liz, Annie, Ronnie, Kyle, Josh, Logan...I've run away from all of them.
I've lied to them my entire existance. And I feel terrible. Like I should hold each of their hands and tell them I'm sorry. And that I love them. And that they gave me so much. But I can't.
Kids were happy go lucky. Where did we lose that? When did that bush grow and when did I start needing to be sad?
Why are we so unsatisfied.
I sit here bawling over a letter a friend wrote me, which she so nicely scrawled into internet text so no matter what I can come back.
I need arms. I need comfort. I need a fix.
Signing Off--Lauren
*ps, if you never loved me, why tell me you did?*
