12:54 p.m. | 2004-07-07
I've Lost It, Literally Lost It
Who are you to say things like that to me.
To tug my heart along with you, merrily going with me, screwing me all night long, telling me you love me and that I'm a great person and then to send me a small email filled with chuckles and giggles telling me you've found her?
First. How DARE you have the audacity to find her. Love at first site has always been your downfall. You've always fallen head over heels for every girl you've ever met. You become addicted. You can't get enough. And in a lot of ways you scare them off.
Second. How DARE you email me this. Leave me a fucking phone message or something, but email me? Who the hell do you think you are? Wake me up if this is real. Email screams so 'non important' so why would I even check it. Why the hell would it matter?
Third. How DARE you sleep with me the night before, run your hands through my hair telling me you love how soft it is, holding me in your arms smiling and loving what you're doing and then a night later fall in love. Don't you realize that I have feelings too? And I may be damned good at hiding them. I may kick ass at saying, 'well good for you Gabriel, that's wonderful, I hope everything goes just perfectly,' but I still hurt deep inside.
Remember when I told you (diary, readers, whoever gives a fuck, or just me in my little self centered universe thinking that people actually like this drivel) that I thought I was falling again? How I wanted him by my side again and how it felt so good to be loved?
I can't anymore.
I was talking to friends about him the other day, how much we'd been together and the like (ps, I no longer document every time we get together in an insane and stalkerish manner like I used to, in fact, you guys barely hear about him) and I kept jokingly saying, 'I gotta stop this; it's gotta be bad for someone somewhere.' And in all reality, this is my check. It might be like last time with Jamie (his last girlfriend, not the love of my life) and last a few months. It might be like Hannah and last a week or so. Things might not cease. But I'll be silent. I'll sit there and I'll let him do his thing, crying when I get home and eventually getting over things.
But god damn it. Just when it was starting to get good?
Signing Off--Lauren
