5:07 a.m. | 2004-06-18
More Mascara Soaked Pillow Cases
He left me when the sky was a pale blue, you could barely hear birds singing songs, and there was a light mist that brushed my face as well as any other surface it could.
He tugs on my strings so hard...that I can feel them now.
"Are you sure there's nothing I can do?" I repeat for the fourth time. "There's one thing you can do, but I don't want to admit it." Staring blankly at him, yet with so much compassion I hurt I mutter, "the one thing that I could do, the one thing...please, just tell me."
There's silence, and more pleading, and asking him if he wants out and he replies with, "The one thing you could do is be that ultimate love. Be the one thing for me..."
Hopes soar, feelings flow, and I'm in heaven.
"...but as amazing and wonderful as a person as you are--I don't think that's your job." Call me dumbfounded. Call me heartbroken. Call me worthless.
The thing I've known all along has just happened. He was a man for once, stepped up to the plate, and told me. I'm not for him.
I could have taken that. Walked away empty handed, had him drive away as I happily splashed in my puddles, only to cry later--but it would be a cry to get over something, because I could accept that he didn't want me.
But he had to go on. I chided as I commented that "I feel cheated, you said there was something I could do, and if this isn't my "job" then obviously I can't go about doing it, now can I?" He replies again, "but it's still something you could do."
He challenges me to do the thing I want to do most--to make things better. I'm not right for him but...I can still do it? Who are you to tug at me like this? Who are you to crawl up into my bed just to tell me that you'd sleep better in yours?
Who...are you?
You mindlessly pull people along, telling them that they're worthy, playing with them as much as possible...but you mean none of it? You don't even notice what you're doing?
You take a poor girl's heart, stuck as a 15 year old and make her feel wanted and loved and needed. You tell her that she can do something--but then tell her she's not the person to do it. Clever form of speech, trying to make me upset? Just finding something to say because you know I can't stand secrets?
I don't want you to pull my strings anymore. I want someone else to. I'll pick another boy, more worthy than you and let him hold onto those strings and jerk me where he will. And someday, when you realize what you fucked up--maybe you'll be sorry.
Maybe.
Signing Off--Lauren
