2:30 a.m. | 2004-03-24
He Read My Thoughts And Wrote It Better
In lieu of any real thoughts for today, I shall input something found at about 10 am this morning as I was browsing a site I shouldn't have the address to from a person I've never talked with.
None the less, his opinions are valid, very valid in fact and he writes so well, I couldn't help but include. Spread the arts people, read on:
Spring. Rebirth. A resurrection and a re-awakening. Neat.[On an aside, the word resurrection really wants to be written as reassuring-erection, but no one, including yours truly, has the balls to do it.]
Spring begins on March 20th. In like a lion, out like a lamb they say. The calendar says March 6th.
14 days till spring begins. I am ruthlessly awaiting its arrival.
Don't ask me why it's ruthless, it just is. Deal.
I was born on March 14th. 1985. One day before the Ides of March. The same day that Albert Einstein was born. Same day Karl Marx died.
So you know, two of the defining members of the 20th century are sitting on either shoulder telling me to hurry the fuck up and do something already.
I always thought it would make sense for the first day of spring to be March 15th. Considering March is supposed to be half winter, half spring, I would think that the midway point, Noon on March 15th, would be the logical choice.
That is really the only way this makes any sense, so I am just going to assume that the world works in mysterious ways, and those mysterious ways should, and will someday, be defined by me.
I was born one day before rebirth. One day before the fresh start and the tip-off.
Oops.
Mom jumped the gun.
Not to make excuses for myself, but I have a feeling that that may have something to do with the way my life has unfolded thus far.
It always kind of seemed like I was almost there.
I was almost to that point where my shit was going to really take off. Where I'd finally get that grade and I'd finally nail that interview and she'd finally drop trow.
"A flute with no holes is not a flute. And a doughnut with no hole is a danish." - Chevy Chase, Caddy Shack
This spring feels different. Good.
I feel good.
Unlike past periods in my life, good is now a warm belly. Good is no longer the fleeting feeling when you beat Shao Kahn in Mortal Kombat. Good is not that feeling when you awkwardly sneak a kiss. Good is not the feeling of the first stab of a spoon into ice cream.
Good is now a rub all over me. That phrase makes absolutely no sense, but its true, so I'll leave it at that.
I am flunking some courses this semester. I do not have a girlfriend (or a fuck buddy). I have parents who are disappointed in me and friends who won't grow up.
If I walked into a game show tomorrow and they showed me a roadmap of my entire life, I mean, the whole thing, right down to the day I die, and they tell me to win a million dollars, I have to pick the point on the map where I really feel good, this is about the last place I would look.
But I feel good. It's springtime. Time to start over yet again. Time to be absolved of all your past regrets and ruminations and time to take a longer walk than you usually do.
And man, my future feels good too.
I can't wait. My future. How� righteous. My future is going to be where I am in 20 years. That amazes me. In 20 years I will be looking back on this early morning tirade and I will be laughing.
Honestly, if I am still laughing in 20 years, I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
I can't wait till I find the love of my life. That is going to be an absolutely amazing experience. I can't wait till I have someone to fall asleep with every night and wake up with every morning and fight about stupid shit and make all sorts of ridiculous mix-tapes for, even when they're always the same songs, just in different orders.
Okay, so I'm way too into John Cusack. Sue me.
The mix-tape is a lost art, and I refuse to leave it behind.
I can't wait till I see my name in print. Till I go on my first book tour around the united states and read to a half interested crowd in a college auditorium. I can't fucking wait to sit down in a bar in a new town every night and answer the same stupid questions.
GOD I can't wait.
I can't wait till I mix my first album and it doesn't make Rolling Stone. I can't wait till I make my own beats and play my own guitar and piano and sing my own tired shrills about how terrible my college years were.
It feels good.
I can't wait till I buy my first puppy.
I can't wait till I spend my first night in jail.
I can't wait till I spend my first night awake with my first born child.
Ah, the future is good.
And the now is good.
And on March 14th I will turn one year older, and on March 15th, I will begin my rebirth once again, and on March 20th the flowers will begin to bloom, and for the next year I will feel awful and moody and sad and loved and excited and horny and grateful and amazing.
I have found the secret to life in the bottom of two-liter soda bottles and late nights putting off sleep. I have found the secret to living every day and sleeping every night.
Accept what you are given, because god damnit, you were given it.
The future will end up like the future will end up. Do your best. Do your worst. Just do it. I can only do what I do and my life will happen the way it happens and the only way not to get completely upset by that whole notion is to realize that your life will be good.
Just accept it. Don't bitch and whine and complain anymore. You get to live and it's going to be good.
It sounds like some new-fangled bullshit, but when I am upset, I'm happy that I am at least upset.
They kind of cancel each other out. I have my days of feeling absolutely nothing, and those days are the most necessary ones, because they let you reflect and remove yourself from the daily grind.
Ah, life is good.
I feel good.
I am good.
And the future is going to be absolutely amazing.
Fuck physics; no folding of the fabric for me. I'm taking the long way.
I want to cry a whole hell of a lot more before those tears dry up.
Being truly angry and upset is just such a waste of time. Nothing should bother you so much that it makes you lose sight of the future and the wonderful places you will be walking.
Walk more. Walking is great.
The moment someone upsets me to the point where I forget all of this garbage, then I suppose I have officially proven myself wrong.
And it will happen. I will be depressed at some point in my near future. I will be angry, too. I will be hurt depraved and torn apart.
But sometime after that, I will find my way back to this good rub, and it will all seem trivial and ridiculous.
You see, I'm not worried too much about being wrong about all of this. If I'm wrong, well, hey, I'm wrong, but in being wrong, I'll be right, and that is just one big fucking mind trip that I don't want to get into.
Just trust me.
In fact, I think I will trust me for a while, and every time I want to escape from this rub because it feels like I should, I just have to force it. Force the smile for a few minutes and the frown'll pass.
Spring is here, man. The rub is back and the future is blazing and I am tired.
Exactly.
Signing off--Lauren
(ps Happy 201st entry to me!)
