4:18 p.m. | 2004-03-20
How He Led Me To Believe I Could Love Him
The scene:
Colin asks if he can show me some "ill lyrics" he wrote. I like lyrics. I agree. I get dressed and he comes down and I read these lyrics. I approve.
Now Colin and I begin to talk, dance around subjects, touch on some things, let other ones go. Then as he's standing in the door and for some reason I'm fighting to keep him here (I always feel that) he says something. "It's just that everything that's important to me has left me. [pause] Or is going to leave me soon."
My heart breaks and I fight back tears as hard as I can. I hate crying in front of him. Anyone else I can, but not him. I fight him back on that statement, hoping that he'll clarify that he doesn't mean me. I know he means me. I know he means Laura left, and now I'm leaving, or however that goes in his head. And I know he's upset and angry at me for choosing this path.
We don't address me. We never say my name. But we talk about it and both know. I hate hurting him, if I could get the education here that I could in Boulder then I would honestly stay here. Honestly. The money's important, and a nice perk, yes, but it's not why I'm staying. I have to be selfish for once, and that hurts me to no end.
Does he know that this hurts me so much? Does he know that everytime he says things like that I have to close the door and cry? That I have to fight back tears and everytime I see him I just want to grab him and never let go? Does he know I give a shit?
He fights back because he doesn't want me to leave. His mechanism is attacking. He's hurt so he lashes out and does the same back, only his heart refuses to let him hurt me deeper because he actually does care. He gives a fucking shit.
And now I've made a relationship with someone and I'm running away from it. I'm tearing down my walls and hurting myself--again. I'm not running home. It's not home that I need.
I'm hurting him and he's hurting me. But I need to run because in the end, I think I'll be surpremely hurt. A person that special can't be held onto for so long and then let go.
And now I'm left here, my tears stinging the skin on my face, fresh from exfoliation, fresh from feeling alive and I have to bite my bottom lip, suck it up and learn to deal. I have to hurt him to ultimately let me survive. Is that what I want to do? Where I want to leave myself? How I want to end up?
I don't think any of those questions matter.
It's more about what I have to do.
Signing off--Lauren
