2:05 p.m. | 2003-10-29
I'll Give Ya A Cookie If You Finish Your Homework
Word of the Day for Wednesday October 29, 2003
cataract KAT-uh-rakt, noun:
1. A great fall of water over a precipice; a large waterfall.
2. A downpour; a flood.
3. A clouding or opacity of the lens or capsule of the eye, which obstructs the passage of light.
I felt bad for not updating well. And that's exactly it, I mean I've been doing it daily, and early on in the day I want to update, but then I sit there later and all that comes into my mind is BLA. Anyway, I'm going to do my best to explain why I haven't updated to my full potential recently:
1) Ian's been frustrating me a lot lately. I mean not that I put a lot of work into life or anything, but he reminds me of a young me. 'I don't do outlines.' Or better, 'oh fuck, I didn't wake up for my midterm. Oh well, she'll let me make it up. She'll have to. I'll make her.' Get off the high horse kid, I care for him but someday he's gonna go BOOM. His face is going to scrape across the dirt and it'll tear up his skin, leaving little rocks in it as he starts to bleed, looking at his hands now covered in blood he'll refuse to let himself cry, and in doing that he'll start to think over things and just lose it. Like a quarter life crisis. No guesses on when though, not a one right now.
2) Music is frustrating me. I have good music, I do, but I want to listen to something I know the words to, but that I don't listen to normally. So something that doesn't exist basically. I want to magically know the words to something. So I'm pondering pulling myself away from music completely for a while. Until I need it again. Then maybe a CD binge? Sounds yummy, and I could totally go for ganking some of Colin's music. MMM.
3) Architecture frustrates me. I'm not sure if this is what I want to do. I don't think I have the passion that it takes. I have the ability I think, I mean if I put time into these classes, I could do them. I've been talking with Colin, and he thinks he's leaving either this semester or next to go do something that he has a passion for--writing. Speaking of writing...that brings us to #4
4) I'm frustrated with writing. I didn't mention it on here, but my old editor guy from Boulder that I was working with last year I guess got in contact with some lady in NYC and she called me a week or so ago and asked if she could get ahold of some of my work, that Peter (the old editor) had only sent her a few examples. I was totally shocked, but I still don't know how to deal. ALL of my writing is at home, and I don't want my mom going through my computer to get it to me. So I told her my situation, she said she understood, she asked if I had anything partial or if I could work on some new stuff. I had sent her the Gabe one by this point. She loved it, she wants more. I edited that one and sent it back, but when I go to write now--I can't. I'm not heart broken over him or anything, I just realized last night as I went walking that I can't find those emotions anymore. The reason that story came out so well was because my heart was so wrapped up in him. I even pulled out the lucky calculus pad as I call it--the thing that has forced me to write more than anything. And it just didn't work. She wants stuff now, and I have to make a model, and drawings, and I went to the ER the other day and just...I CAN'T DO IT ALL! But, sad thing is, I can, I just don't want to.
5) My friends not being here frustrates me. I miss Nat. I miss Will. I miss David. I miss Jessa. I miss Alex. I miss Connie. I miss Colin. I miss Liz. I miss Ronnie. I miss Andy. I miss Laura. I could go on for hours. I got a call from David the other day--"hey, we had our first band concert today, it just wasn't the same without you. I miss you." His tone was so sad and just...I remember how it felt when he used to hug me, those hugs were so good. I miss that boy so much. Ok, that's making me sad, so we're picking another frustration, 'cause this feels good.
6) From talking with Colin recently and meeting all these new people I have you know that insane need to diagram them. I explain it to Colin the other day, and it came out quite well, I'll see if I can replicate: When I meet someone I create a little file in my head, in that file there's a HUGE survey with all these blanks and spaces for things. First impressions, way they use their eyes, what that means, words they use, bla bla bla, so there's all these entries and whenever they get entered they get time and date stamped. So I start to figure people out. But, that's not what's failing me. Most people just get filed and some of their blanks get filled in automatically because they're 'that kind of person.' So, what is frustrating you ask? It's dawning on me that people are simple, but they all have a few discrepencies and that each complicated person takes 40 times as much effort to decode. And it's not so much that it's hard, just takes time. And I seem to be distracted by other things.
7) Halloween is starting to frustrate me. I don't know what I'm doing, and I kind of feel like doing nothing, but I can't decide, getting a costume sounds like a bitch, and just...I wanna sleep and never wake up and just go! I don't know, I feel like making it low-key, but I have no idea what people are doing and I don't know what I'm doing with them or not with them or what...or if I'm invited. Or even what the hell is going on.
8) The lack of personal time for Lauren is getting annoying, and thus frustrating me. I don't care that I have roomates. Or friends. Or any of that stuff. I can run away and get some alone time. But there's no TIME to do that. See, in Colorado if I got in my car and went out on County Road 13 and just drove with no one around it would take me an hour to get my 'me time' done with. Here, to get that same feeling, I need about 3 hours. And when do I get three hours? Never. Ever, so I guess I'll slowly go insane since it's not something I "need." Maybe I'll go to the museum this Saturday and figure out what's there, since it's free and all. Take an introspective day. All to myself. Sounds yummy.
So I figure that's a valid update, you think? I mean those aren't all my frustrations, but they sure as hell feel better. A LOT better. And I need to get working on this project, so I'll do that, and then my History Midterm, and thank god they moved my World Architecture paper to Tuesday, which is exactly what I needed. MmMmMm. That and rockin' chocolate peanut butter cookies--ooh, I'll make myself a deal, I can make cookies if I get this project done! Yay!
Signing Off--Lauren
