9:16 p.m. | 2003-10-16
This Is What Romance Novels Are Made Of (pt.2)
I guess things need to be clarified. I gave someone the address to this thing...and it's just...well there's 1 person that I actually know that has the address.
So she points out some things to me:
Ian-'you mention him every entry, and I never get mentioned.' Also 'it sounds like you're in love with him'
Here she point out entries where I use the words "cute" and "trombone." As far as feelings for Ian go...He's a wonderful guy, perhaps since I know him better I should explain him more. He's insecure, way deep down, but he's not at the exact same time. He also has an ego, but not. And he...well he thinks he's best at everything, which reminds me of someone in my past. And as far as feelings go for him...I didn't realize I was writing about him that way...and so now I'm all sketchy about how I feel. I'll go into that more, but for right now it's nothing more than pure caring.
Next she says 'I get nothing!' That's crap. And I'm just going to stand up and say some things right here. FUCKING SOAP BOX RIGHT NOW.
The day that Jamie stuck things on my door, I was not really having a good day whatsoever. I mean I was just frustrated, and sad, and just things had gone so wrong. So to have this one really sweet thing mixed in was not only confusing as hell, but just, it got completely overwhelmed by everything that went wrong. Not to mention at the time that boys were being retarded. There's no excuse, I just feel so bad that everytime I think of that day, I think about that sweet gesture, with all this other crap.
Jamie's a sweet sweet girl, but don't get me wrong, what I said earlier about her still counts. "Jamie-Jamie rocks my world, her world is so sex based that it makes me sad to think about all the other issues she's covering up with it. She's smart. And she's a thinker. But she has a problem dealing with her past, she just labels it all as 'ok.'" That still holds true, in fact, she questioned me about that, but I'm gonna put it all out there. And as I've started to get to know her better I not only still agree with that, but I also think she may possibly be one of the most insightful people I know. Her years of...I don't want to say abuse, but yeah, those years have left her with the softest heart. Not that it's a good reason for your heart to be soft, but that's why.
She spent so much time listening, and then making those signs, and just, she really really cares, which is so nice since we all know how many people I have here like that. She sit there and berates me all the time for threatening to leave, because of course I'd be 'leaving her.' I don't want to of course, because she really is one of those people you never ever want to let go of.
She has a lot of layers, more than Ian (which is why I think I put him in this category earlier) but Jamie has all these layers that are fake. Most people just hide, she not only hides, but she changes some of those layers to confuse you, so that she could be very easily considered as something else. Words like 'bitch,' 'retarded,' 'silly,' and 'sexual' come to mind. Not how I see it.
This week has been nuts, but Jamie told me that she doesn't want to read the diary because it's depressing, so I'm not going to dwell in it. That's all.
Signing Off--Lauren
