7:37 a.m. | 2003-08-07
I thought one night had changed me, now I realize what a difference a smile makes
Believe me when I say I know it's 7:30. Believe me when I say, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing, and don't have a plan. Believe me when I say that I'm upset, or unhappy, or overjoyed, because for that moment, I am. That's why it's 7:30, and I'm on here. I even sneaked on through another account, so he couldn't see me, if he happened to be on.
He is Gabe by the way.
I came home from watching a movie with Laura at a house she's housitting at, and I was like, gotta get home, it just, kept ranging in my head. I hadn't changed my sheets, but I had cleaned up a bit. I thought, I mean, I really thought that he'd come over.
I went and picked him up, we came back here, we had coffee, we talked, and chatted about the inane. And again, somewhere around 3 AM, something happened. Walls went down, something just, it fell. We no longer talked about crap, that is still worth talking about, but it became deeper, it became real.
By 4 we were pretty well into it, and he had said something about his mother. I'm not sure how to take her yet, I want to truly not believe him, I want to think she's a better person, I don't think I can bring myself to do that. She had hurt him so much. To the point where he's numb on the topic, he even said, "I feel bad." I asked why, he replies, "I feel bad because I'm sitting here, and you're pouring out your heart, and, I just feel numb."
I didn't know what to say. At first I thought at all, this entire time I had been around him, had poured my heart out to him, he hadn't felt it? I knew he was lying, I saw the glimmer in his eye, or the tear that fell as he sang something. I'm not blind.
It turns out that he was just numb about his mother, and it came out later, as I painfully cried, without too much emotion to him, like I had before, that I felt completely to blame for so much in my life. And that I hoped, to the best of my ability that he could see that my parents did the same things as his, and that I felt bad. I hope he sees that.
As I was sitting there, I remembered how I had felt when I thought about saying goodbye. When I...I would kiss him sweetly, leave all feelings behind and say, that was worth it. And have this feeling, and I couldn't describe the feeling at the time. I have that feeling now, though. I'm sitting here, completely content that I know how he feels. He cares for me, he loves me, he thinks that I deserve a lot. Which, compared to what I see, means so much. I'm completely satisfied, I don't want to change it. I'm happy. He didn't do anything to hurt me, I believe that. Some of the things remain a bit sketchy, but they didn't hurt me, when he said I was sexy, I'm beginning to think he might have partially meant it.
I wish the best for him, and I was planning on walking up to him tonight and saying, 'Gabe, you're amazing, and you're so wonderful, but it hurts to see you hurting yourself like that, and I think I'm going to have to be selfish for once and end this. It hurts to be your friend, and I don't think I can take that anymore.' As I sat there thinking about it, I paused, and thought, you know, if I do that, I'm still going to care, but I won't have him near me. It didn't matter which road I chose, I couldn't stop caring.
It feels good though, to be told that I've touched a life. I mean I could guess that there are people on that list the other day that I have done that for. No promises, though. He promised me. He told me with a promise that I had changed his life and outlook, and made him realize things. Now that I know how he feels about me, and that I've managed to do what I wanted, to help him. I feel so good.
We sat in the kitchen doorway, he never kissed me, he bit me once, possibly wanting to kiss me, but, it's not like I closed myself to it. We sat there for hours, and we traded words, and feelings, and...it was nice. I don't know if I'd marry him anymore, I might, I just might, but my decision might be a bit rash.
He mentioned something tonight, about who he likes, and as he said it he was looking me straight in the eye, I'm not sure what was going on, but he described me, or at least what I think I come off as. I don't want to hold on to hopes of, oh, he likes me! But, I don't want to let go of them all together either, he did say I was sexy, does that count? I started a painting based on that, it's--interesting. I'm going to sleep, maybe get up in time for a party, be well all, and may your fortune be better than mine...or, just as good, however it's meant to be
Signing off--Lauren
