late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

9:59 a.m. | 2003-08-08
The morning after, and, some other thoughts...der

So it was joyful, got to go have that fun I so desperately needed, with children my own age. And it wasn't innocent fun, and it wasn't, look at me I'm trying to be cool fun, it was just fun. I'm pushing my limits again, I know that.

Last night was still good, though, Claire (my snow and ski goddess) threw a party where she invited all the IB people, and not to mention a few of her hot friends. I was a good girl, no worries, Jessa on the other hand...Well first of all she wanted to drink, I wouldn't let her, a little against my better judgement I didn't keep an eye on her though. The alcohol wasn't the problem. A guy that had been hitting on her, well he came up to me and goes, 'can I take her back in the hallway?' At first I'm like, damn, you must be drunk, why are you asking me? Turns out Jessa had said I was her keeper. So I protested for her, I said no, said it wasn't a good idea, no matter how nice of a guy he was. She made out with him when I lost track of her. Oops, my bad.

Though, I guess she did it of her own free will, I come waltzing into the kitchen, "oooh, Andrew, may I have another dr--uhhh...." He looked me straight in the eye, not trying to see them, with this look of pity and help. He's a nice boy. He's a jesus boy. He's 18, but no joke, he's so tall and muscular he looks to be about 24. Lucky. Though, I'm an old looker myself, so I can't say that. But anyway, so I walk in on them doing stuff, I didn't mean to voice my dissaproval, and I wasn't THAT drunk at that point, but I wasn't really candid about my emotions.

I'll talk to her about that, we'll be good. Though, it was a nice change of pace to be able to get something like that done, or out of the way. Learning my limits even more, and I don't really think I want to push it farther than that, I had the common sense, though I wanted more to drink, to not do it. I also know I couldn't drive anytime soon, duh. I hate drunk driving, though I can see myself being sure as hell that I could do it, and get away with it. I need to learn that's not true without actually getting hurt or doing something bad. Though, good thought, I won't have a car in Boston, so no drunk driving.

I do get very, um, low on my inhibitions, though, I noticed. Maybe it's because the times I have been drunk I've been in a relationship or I've been with people I don't find attractive, but, these secret feelings came out. Josh, oh, Josh isn't on the list. (Josh Metten-sweet sweet boy, he's amazing and completely sweet, with a sex drive, and no control of it, though he's really smart and passionate) So I kind of had a thing for Josh, just in the back of my head, 'cause he's normally pretty touchy feely, but I guess I just kinda went for it, nothing that bad, just dancing, and playing and running my hands through his hair. I wanted nothing more than to lay with him on the couch. Side effect of Gabe, I guess.

Anyway, I got pretty sloshed, though, more than being tired, because I slept 3 hours or so, I don't feel it. I don't hurt, I can think straight, my eyes are just a little slow, not a big deal, and I made breakfast. I forgot about that...we found a pancake recipe and I made pancakes and Josh made eggs and it was fun, and I can't wait to do something like that in college. I really really want a hotplate so I can, I think it'd make a really good impression. Oh well, c'est la vie. Onto some more thought, not just what happened.

I went on my guestbook the other day, to change an e-mail address, and I was like, people like me?! There's two new entries, one's from a boy who calls himself James...he writes:

I seem to be a random diary looker too, and I was looking through random surveys when I found this one...she's interesting. She does a lot more with her life than I do, and she's got this juicy way of telling things. I went back and read some older stuff too, though I thought the 9-11 thing was really well written, almost like it was felt, not written. But I'll keep an eye on her, suggest you do to...

James

It makes me happy that someone would think that I do a lot more with my life than they do, because, I guess that means I do go out and do stuff. Sadly, some nights are spent alone, I do spend a fair amount of other ones doing, ahem, other things. Pork Tornado writes: (he's one of my FAV diaries, hilarious, absolutely makes me want to cry funny)

You're fine by me. All it takes is the most basic understanding of consideration, and I can tolerate anybody. even myself. -=D=-

Pork Tornado

The symbol at the end still gets me, I'll decode later, not while a little lost in my own mind. But I like the thought he puts out there, "the most basic understanding of consideration." I like the thought, more than not, because it can be taken a variety of ways. Consideration-the thought placed on something, to consider. Consideration-the caring one feels about something, considerate. Two completely different words. Can there be understanding of either though, I could see the understanding of being nice to the core of ones being, and the type of thorough thought it could also take. That wasn't English, but it made sense to me. Point is, I like it, it makes me happy, no matter whether I understand it or not. Though, I wouldn't trust my logic skills at this point, if you know what I mean...

Be well, I'll sleep eventually...

Signing off--Lauren

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