7:02 p.m. | 2003-08-04
Distance
Nat and I are fixed, so that�s good I guess. And I�m not in a particularly bad, nor good mood. My mom was supposed to leave to Phoenix today, I had magically gotten the next three days off, I was like, yay, alone time for Lauren. (Granted, it had originally been like, hey Gabe, the house is free, but today, I didn�t even think about it that way, kinda.) It wasn�t until she started questioning me about doing bad things in her house, or that something was going on. In my mind, nothing�s going on. I don�t want to tell her about the guys I date, or are even involved with. I�m 17, and the average 17 year old has lost their virginity, so it�s not weird that we might or have or would do stuff.
Talking recently to some people, though, I do enjoy making out, and I wouldn�t mind just a little kiss since I never got mine from Gabe that night, not like I was surprised, I mean I�m the one who told him no. Next time we get together, I�ll give him a nice kiss, tell him he�s beautiful, and to never change, for the worse that is. It makes me happy to think about that, just kissing him with a smile, telling him he�s great, and leaving on a good foot. That way, I don�t think I�d feel attached, and that�s good.
Admittedly, I�ve thought about Gabe a little more than nothing, but in all reality it�s been because people have asked, at work, Nat, Alex, Will, the like. It felt good not thinking about him all the time, it made me happy, and the thought of going to Boston and being alone and being totally cool and immersed and a good student rocks. It makes me smile so much. I�m gonna grow up, I�m gonna be a big girl.
Jessa and I were talking the other day, she said something along the lines of sex being special, and leaving you attached, and that she was a tid bit worried I would leave it as not such. Ok, so I know I detach myself from emotion, so it doesn�t hurt, though, maybe I do distance myself from things like sex causing emotion. Though, I still think we�re animalistic in a sense, and it�s not about love, it�s about breeding and pure carnal urge. I mean, I don�t plan on sleeping with every single boy I come into contact with, though, I�m not going to deprive myself so that I can either not be prepared for great sex someday or �save myself� for marriage. That�s crap. I�m sorry but I�m going to enjoy myself, and be as fricken safe as I can. I took the plan B pill when I slept with Gabe. It�s essentially emergency contraceptive, pill form, to be taken up to 72 hours after the act. I went the next afternoon, because when looking for the condom to throw away, I found it in me, and it seemed a little sketchy, so, I figured why take the risk?
