7:45 p.m. | 2005-11-20
Missing Your Love
I found this, on my desktop, saved in a notepad file. I miss those days so badly.
I look around and I see a movie.
I've gone over this before. How I see things like art, how I hear things like music, and how I want life to be ten times more than it is. I want it to be so perfect.
But right now...I look around and I see a half empty wine glass, I hear my music (new, something you most likely have never heard, something that makes me feel special), I smell rosemary mint in the air, and I remember thirty minutes ago when we lay scattered around a coffee table playing pictionary and drinking wine. One of those scenes that cuts out the real noise, but you can see my cheeks rosy from the laughter and the wine, my head tipped back and my hand to my chest to help me catch my breath. The music plays, something about being in the best company, and you see us laughing so hard it hurts, slapping the table, falling over and giggling to no end. Such innocence.
My desk has these light blue organizing boxes that match with my khaki green walls and offset by the bright orange colored, mandarin and honey scented, lightly glowing candles. I�ve had such a good set of few days, but I feel that sinking at that base (I�m an optimist, I swear). Like at the pit of my stomach I know I�m teetering towards the edge.
Because�I�m just at that point where I haven�t had human companionship in such a long time that I begin to yearn for it. And when I begin to yearn for it, I go for what makes me happy. Usually in this situation (seriously, map it out) I go for physical attention, or even just to tease, Gabriel. But he�s moving south, many miles south, too far to see. For a whole year. A year. I can�t even bring myself to get my heart partially invested. Because if I�m going to go getting my heart broken again I�m going to get it all the way broken, not just in a half-assed manner.
Because this way I know walking in I can�t fall for him, because my personality detaches when people move thousands of miles away (even from best friends, unfortunately). So I�ll be left partially torn to pieces and not nearly enough to make myself a better person for it.