10:38 p.m. | 2005-06-06
One of These Days I Think I'll Just Give Up
I can feel it. That terrible upset after a good day. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The I'm-not-good-enough and nobody-deserves-me theories coming to mind. I didn't have to blink twice before I felt myself want to cry.
Usually if I take a shower and spend an hour getting ready (which to me is SO much time) and wear something pretty or new...I feel better. I'm staring at my mirror and I've got perfectly lined lids, nicely layered, soft hair, and a skirt on. I have a skirt on and I still feel like this.
I keep grabbing my stomach, almost like pregnant women do, and then I feel like bending over and just sitting wherever I am. Not a pain, it just feels comforting.
The worse part is it's nothing real. It's just hormones or something rushing through my body and making me upset so I push it all off and pretend to be ok, which makes it ten times worse when I'm alone. I know that this is unfounded and I know that this is pointless but I can't help but feel like I need some sort of major break down.
But I just had one.
And it didn't do a thing. Because that sinking feeling is still here. The way my legs just want to run me to the east coast, the way I get sick just looking at the same people, the way I have been purposefully driving outside of city limits just to breathe. I've seen all this before. I want to leave and run as fast as I can but I know I won't and I know this will all pass and in a month I'll be saying the same things over again.
If I'm running in circles, am I learning anything new?
I learned that if I had lived by myself I'd be rather introverted. I learned that I would also have a clean house and the tv wouldn't be on 24/7. I learned that my habits would be the same and I wouldn't have to cringe over some people's decorating taste.
I feel pathetic and pointless, like I'm updating out of some sort of spite. But I don't know what else to do.
I'm surrounded by people who don't know me and who don't understand me. My friends are thousands of miles away and while they'll be home next week it doesn't feel like soon enough. Gabe and I had a falling out of sorts and I'm so done that I won't even think about calling him just to ask if he's busy. Because I need someone who gets me so badly.
And this all just sounds pathetic.
