11:41 p.m. | 2005-06-04
Nothing Could Be Farther From the Truth
I've decided I'm just too young.
See it's natural for all of us to want to be with someone. As teenagers we long for it because society says it's right. As adolescents we do it because we're looking for love. And later on, even when we're in love, we long to be with those that love us. It's simple and doesn't divide us at all.
But then there's all different degrees of it as well. And that's where I find myself being in a different category. Generally speaking it's based on maturity and experience, though it doesn't always have to be. I never really went through that phase where you date just to hold hands and so people walking down the halls will whisper about who's dating whom.
But recently I've just felt so out of place. I don't want to go out and have fun every day of the week. I know I'll feel it the next day and I'll have to go to work (because I'm the responsible one) and perform to the best of my abilities when I don't feel up to the challenge. I just feel so out of place.
I've been aligning myself with a group of people that are in their late 20's and early 30's, both single and not, and just generally watching how they interact (seeing if those who are complete immature idiots now will stay that way in 10 years) and how they feel about life. I align with them so much more than your average 19 year old. I find myself laughing at the same jokes, living the same lifestyle, and having the same goals.
Then it hit me. At the end of this summer I turn 20. To be to the age where they are, I'll have to wait 10 years, which is a half of the time I've lived. I stopped and sat there and imagined the years from 10 to 20 and what had passed and how much had happened. If I'm almost 20 now (think, still a teen) and I have 10 years to get to be 30, then will I be 40 in my head when I'm actually 30 in my body?
I became almost sick at the thought of never fitting in and always being ahead or behind when I realized that I'd made all of these on assumptions. Generalizations and theories that I will change and grow up and grow out of the theories I live for now. I slowly started to calm down and am in the process of swallowing the idea of being someone completely outside of the masses and more than that, a person who drives her own life and her own happiness.
I just can't seem to find the steering wheel.
