11:57 p.m. | 2005-04-02
Tuesday is the Day
The past few days have been entertaining in the least.
I've been up, I've been down, I've been laughing, I've been crying, I've been smoking, I've been drinking. More than anything, though, I've been putting things back into order.
Because when I get upset and when I get frustrated I start to lose it and run around more or less knocking things in my life out of whack. It's almost as if I just tipped bookshelves over and threw picture frames to the ground until in the very last moments of my insanity I'm left cowering in the corner breathing in shallow breaths just opening my eyes to what I've done. Let alone done to myself.
It's not just next year. It's so much more than that right now. Because in my life when things start to happen--they really happen.
Things have worked out much better with the living situation for next year, but have worked out a lot worse for the surviving situation. There's someone asking me to come to bed right now who has been asking me for minutes now. He's been asking every night for months now, actually. I've refused to name him for fear of him knowing me but in all reality it'd be a lie to tell anyone that I wasn't attached to him. He told me the other night that he thought it was funny that I never considered living with him to be an option. I looked at him with confusion and asked if he felt that would be ok. He told me that he thought we would make terrific roommates and that he'd love to be mine.
I was enthralled, to say the least, just to know he thought that way.
But there's always a stone in the road, ya know? Even if it's just a pebble, you still end up tripping and get bloody knees. He received an offer from his boss to basically catapult his career with this paid internship. 2000 miles away. When he first told me I'm sure I looked shocked, but my stomach dropped. Seconds later I smiled because I know he needed my support. This is like being handed your dream job, or at the very least being put on the elevator that leads to it. And I sure as hell know he deserves it.
That being said, now I can't bring myself to be completely happy for him because the main reason I didn't mention him was because...I really like him. I'm not being emotionally abused, I'm not letting anyone walk all over me, and I'm in perhaps the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
So it's neither up nor down, because I love and hate both right now, but I just wish I could have the good with the good, ya know?
