late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:15 a.m. | 2005-04-05
"That Was Magnificent"

I almost went back to him last night.

Gabe called me and my phone rang as I set contentedly scribbling some swirls onto paper. He told me how he was bored and how he wondered what my plans were for the eve. I told him that I had done nothing really that day, gone to work and the gym, and didn't have much to do the next.

As we debated about what to do and I told him to decide something strange happened. I mentioned the fact that he had work the next morning. He immediately switched from seeing a movie to getting ice cream.

We ended up getting ice cream, and driving by the house I'm going to attempt to rent today. As we were pulling away, though, I was planning on talking about what I had wanted for this computer he's planning on building me. He started saying, "no, no, no." I told him that I'd drive straight and he'd tell me when to turn. We drove all around, went by the lights he and I argued over two years ago, and ended up in front of his house.

And as he cuddled himself into my lap and I ran my hands through his hair I thought it was all innocent. That he was troubled about this girl who apparently he's supposed to marry and who lives in California (the one he and jesus left me for, remember?). Soon I felt his teeth to my thigh and his warm breath on my skin and I was confused. I kissed the top of his head lightly and told him I didn't want to break his morals just because I didn't have any.

He smiled and moved his mouth up to kiss mine. I was still. He tried kissing my ear and my neck and everything he could, but I was still. I just sat there, stone faced. He was confused as he grabbed a breast and licked down my neck that I did not melt to his fantasy. I simply stared straight ahead and held my breath.

He pulled back and I made eye contact with him. He was lost and confused that the girl so easy to be pushed over had said no.

It would be a lie to say I didn't enjoy last night. He looked terrific, when a friend of mine saw him with me her jaw dropped, his hands were always in my back pockets (a cute thing I used to do to him and one night he said that he liked so much he'd start doing it to me). We walked downtown, which is ever so quaint, as it rained on us lightly, and my shirt got soaked. And in the end I don't feel bad about what I did. I don't think I crossed any of my own personal boundaries and I don't think I broke his will.

I am a little afraid though, that I did like it. Maybe a bit too much.

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