7:52 p.m. | 2004-12-14
Fields of White Cotton
There was silence in my room only broken by my own intermittent sobs. I could only pause and breath long enough to gain the stamina to start crying again.
I still clutched my phone in my hand as I wiped away the mascara that must have been streaming down my cheeks.
He had called out of the blue. No 'call me back sometime' message was left. He just picked up the phone and dialed it. I answered to silence. But the shuffling of feet, or paper, or something.
It was his breathing into the phone, heavy and cold. He must have been outside. His voice was deeper than I remembered and had a rasp to it as he told me secrets. That he loved me. That he did me wrong. That he was sorry. That I was the only person who was ever there for him (rain or shine) and the only one he truly trusted. And that he was sorry for abusing me and what I was to him. That he was sorry for never really truly thanking me. That he had taken advantage of me unknowingly.
He paused and said more, my voice silent to his. He told me I was fabulous and beautiful (oh such a wonderful lie; one I could stand to hear every day from his lips) and that he wanted to prove those things to me so badly. His voice shifted, "I know that I don't believe in second chances. Under almost every circumstance the idea is absurd to me. But I know you're more giving and more loving and I would only hope you would be willing to give me that same second chance."
I paused and took a deep breath in and spoke for the first time in the conversation since my greeting.
'I do believe in second chances, Gabriel David. I believe it's a wonderful opportunity to right the wrong. But I don't believe in ninth chances let alone tenth and eleventh.'
I stood proud and I told him how I felt. How it hurt to be in that position and how he'd done it on repeat so many times (and been warned each time) that I didn't think I could let him back in. He paused. He hung up his phone.
I never ever gave him my heart. But he has it. And he doesn't even want it. When did I lose it and how can I get it back?
