9:56 p.m. | 2004-11-24
I Can't Take The Distance
Things didn't get better.
I spent the rest of the day trying to clean out my life but falling flat on my ass every time I tried. I didn't get anything done. And I sat around and read people's pasts and picked up philosophy books (long dusty) and read them again. And as much as I'd love to say I plucked a sentence from that book and began to live it...I didn't. I fell in love with every sentence he wrote. I was quoting him in my dreams.
And it hit me. That circle of self pity I end up in. It hit me upside the head and I lay in my bed for hours through phone calls--weeping.
I admitted a terribly awful thing. I'm horrendously jealous of my friends. My boys are at Dartmouth and making a life for themselves. And my Jessa is getting a med degree, and everyone I know and have chosen to keep around me is going somewhere special. And I'm sitting here watching my schedule change and just waiting for the next pay day.
And that's not good enough for me.
I need accomplishment, and success, and happiness. And I will get all of that, I suppose, it's just a matter of when. But I'm impatient with some things, and life is one of those things.
I scared Nat and had him giving me that traditional speech of "you can do anything you set your mind to." And I hate to say it--but at that moment it meant nothing to me. His caring meant the world, but back to my old elitist argument, I know who I am. And I'm nothing right now. Key words: right now.
I will get up tomorrow and still be nothing. And as Colin cries on my shoulder (or ear, I suppose), I can't help but want to jump on a plane right now. And I almost did. But I'm setting myself up, right now, for another 3 to 4 years of staying here. Of finishing my degree and then the second I can: getting out.
Because this city suffocated me once. And it's doing it again. And hopefully I'll be able to find enough to entertain me while I'm here, but if all else fails, it'll make my departure that much sweeter.
