8:39 p.m. | 2004-08-11
Must Have Been Hard To See Through The Tears She Was Hiding
It's one of those weak days.
Where I sit here and listen to his music and think about how his fingers used to feel on my skin. Like small patches of fire, burning away at me...because as he traced them against me I could still feel the linger of his touch for minutes later.
He was the downfall of me. He was what made me cry, and curl up into the fetal position like all of life was a lie and never even worth it. He made me pretend I was someone new, someone better, someone more impressive that I actually am. And I loved every second of it.
The demise he caused...the way he forced me to crumble was and is a true art form. The way I can't say no. I'm lucky I haven't been truly tested because in almost any emotional state my walls would once again come to rubble and I would be on my knees asking him what he wanted. He never tells me, he never forces me, and because of that...I'm not allowed to hate him.
He makes me spiteful, and he makes me want to fix so many things about me, but become comfortable with all of those things that I can't.
From the moment our eyes met, and he sauntered towards me, and that light recognition hit the both of us we each knew what was in store. I was cocky and bold, and he was willing to walk that road. I pushed him so far back that he crumbled in my fingers. And then came those fateful words, "let's have sex." And my immediate response, with every emotion in my body was "no." But as I looked up into those puppy dog eyes and the way he bit his lip at my touch...it made me want to. It made me believe he would want more if he only got this. So I asked if he still wanted to.
I think his answer was an obvious one.
Skin on skin, hot breaths exchanged, giggles, biting of lips, biting of other things, gasps, and finally exaultation. And still I don't get it: how could that honestly mean nothing?
'Cause this new boy of mine...the one I refuse to name...well he's off and distracted because again I'm not worthy enough. He's found another piece of meat he not only wants now, but for the rest of the year as he's 3000 miles away.
I've no one to rely on. No one stable. And at least this new boy was good for me. He was at the very least nice and special to me. And now he'll be gone. My other distractions will be gone and I'll be left with two things. Nothingness and Gabe. Close enough to the same thing to make you have to squint to discriminate the differences.
And you and I both know that I'm not strong enough to say no for much longer. Any more pressure and these walls are bound to cave.
