late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:37 a.m. | 2004-08-09
Happy As 1950's TV Family

I had a dream last night.

Now, this isn't anything unusual, I dream just about everytime I shut my eyes. It just seems my imagination works that way. But I fell asleep on the phone with a boy (isn't that like the greatest thing ever?) and I guess it prompted this dream.

I was sitting in a small cafe, had my coffee in my hand, loving the smell, feeling the warmth of the ceramic in my hand as I saw someone I recognized come up, to meet me apparantly as I greeted him, gave him a huge hug, he looked into my eyes longingly and then sat down. I remember chatting along about inane things, and giggling like I do when I flirt but then I saw another person come up. This "other boy" we spoke of. And I greeted him, with this slightly nervous smile, and he joined us. And then Gabe showed up. And then Michael showed up.

And before I knew it I had 8 guys all around me as I slinked down in my chair, blushing.

None of them were upset that they weren't the only ones. But as I looked around, I felt so ashamed. I felt like I was the worst person on earth. And as I thought of why I hated Gabe for so long it was because he had other interests while I thought he should have been interested in me. And only me.

I'm the hypocrit I always knew I was. And I feel terrible for doing this to them--but I can't pick! Because I'm positive that once I pick the one I want the most, I'll leave the others behind, and that one I want won't want me.

My summers have always been like this. Always. Got my fingers in close to nine honey pots and I can't bring myself to believe that I'm addicted. It's just that they love me so much...

What am I gonna do, honestly?

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