9:52 p.m. | 2004-07-05
It Was A Long Night, But I Don't Regret It
We made a list. That is, Gabriel David and I sat down and made a list of what his ideal girl would be.
- IDEALITY
-
- enjoys traveling
- likes to garden
- doesn't know how to use boltcutters, but is willing to learn
- has this smile that makes you grin
- laughs with her whole body
- paints, but is not a painter
- eloquent (when needed)
- she doesn't have to say "i love you"
- needs you (to an extent)
- enjoys and actively listens to many genres of music (always open to more)
- turns you on and makes you think
- "x"
- mature to the point of being immature
- passionate
- vivacious
- loves life
- not average (in a variety of ways)
- well read (from Cat and The Hat to Nietzsche)
- beautiful
- ambitious
- intelligent
- wise
- hopelessly optimistic
- understanding
- strong willed
- frustrated when things don't work
- likes her eggs scrambled with ham and bell pepper (all three colors)
- refuses to give up
- indulgent
- exciteable
- compassionate
Now let's keep in mind I don't want him. My issue comes in the fact that I suggested and wrote down all of those things. They were all me putting words in his mouth and now he wants to follow them. Why did I pick those? Well 'cause they're me in a nutshell, or who I really strive to be.
I've allowed myself to fall for him once, which wasn't his fault, I thought that he wanted something, and I never told him. I'm not allowing myself to fall twice. Because the boy sleeps with me and stays by my side means nothing. I can't handle the fact that I'm thinking like this and that I find myself so in need of someone that he becomes my target. Everyone becomes my target. And it's ridiculous and disgusting, and I need to figure out why I keep doing it.
Until then...
Signing Off--Lauren
