2:37 p.m. | 2004-03-05
Will You Love Me Even Then?
I said something horrible the other day. Something terrible and unacceptable. Yet poetic. And beautiful. And True.
I don't hate you--I just can't stand you anymore
Can I deal with new people? If I move back to Colorado things will be different--again. Except this time most of the kids will have done this here already. In Boston everyone was new to this. New to college. New to the area. New. Fresh. I wasn't scared. At all.
Why then does moving back home to somewhere I'm familiar with scare the shit out of me? How can I possibly be afraid of failing? I want it easy. And it's not going to be that way.
I think this is good, though. I think that this is the way it's supposed to be. I've admitted to the fact that moving to Boston was easy for me. Big city? No deal. New people? Easy as pie. School change? Didn't phase me at all.
I wasn't worried about whether or not I'd find people. I wasn't scared about whether or not the city would eat me alive. Though, to be honest, I was a bit scared when I left...when Gabe would hold me in his arms and brush the hair from my eyes as I got teary and only hoped I could do it.
This is a new challenge. One I need to conquer. One I need to get done. That's it folks. Colorado is where I'll be. No more pretending. Next year I will either attend CU Boulder (assuming they accept me) or I will not go to school and work.
Feels good.
Know one thing, though. I will miss you. To whoever has found this...yes I do read the reference pages. I know more than just Jamie is reading. And that's ok. I'm done pretending and making lies. Go back, read what I've said. I know that you'll find one thing--I'm as genuine behind as I am in front. If I treat you well to your face, I won't bad mouth you here. Take a look at the older pages, enjoy yourselves...I used to be able to write and maybe you can enjoy that.
Signing Off--Lauren
