late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

4:15 p.m. | 2004-02-25
Today I Start

It's changed people. I've changed. I've pulled back.

For those of you who were paying attention (I check my IP addresses you snoops, I know who you are, just kidding of course). But I was re-reading things. I was looking over old entries that I remember crying while writing. I remember my favorite entry. I remember being so heartbroken and loving every moment of it.

That's gone. I've become numb. Vicky, from DiaryReviews reviewed my diary. I came to find I have a rather massive site. Lots of "stuff." The errors she pointed out were right. And I fixed them. All but one.

I don't know if I can change myself. I hate "on Saturday I did this..." types of things, and while I have reverted to it sometimes it was only on busy days when I wanted to remember what happened. On my breaks, for example. But somehow along the way I lost it.

What happened to the girl that would hang on every moment? That girl who felt? Sure it was weak, "He doesn't care about me, why do I want him to come under my window again and sing? And why when I say that do I get all teary eyed. I hear a car outside I want that to be his, so bad. It's not, I know it isn't, but I want it to be. I want him to smile at me, and I want him to pull me into a hug I wanna fucking feel like someone cares." It felt good, though. I miss that emotion. And I'm going to find that.

I still grit my teeth, I still lie about who I am, and I never show people any true side of me.

Here and now we change. And get better. And are more honest. Here.

Signing Off--Lauren

Gabe said hello to me today. My heart fluttered, but then I realized it shouldn't. And it won't again.

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