4:15 p.m. | 2004-02-25
Today I Start
It's changed people. I've changed. I've pulled back.
For those of you who were paying attention (I check my IP addresses you snoops, I know who you are, just kidding of course). But I was re-reading things. I was looking over old entries that I remember crying while writing. I remember my favorite entry. I remember being so heartbroken and loving every moment of it.
That's gone. I've become numb. Vicky, from DiaryReviews reviewed my diary. I came to find I have a rather massive site. Lots of "stuff." The errors she pointed out were right. And I fixed them. All but one.
I don't know if I can change myself. I hate "on Saturday I did this..." types of things, and while I have reverted to it sometimes it was only on busy days when I wanted to remember what happened. On my breaks, for example. But somehow along the way I lost it.
What happened to the girl that would hang on every moment? That girl who felt? Sure it was weak, "He doesn't care about me, why do I want him to come under my window again and sing? And why when I say that do I get all teary eyed. I hear a car outside I want that to be his, so bad. It's not, I know it isn't, but I want it to be. I want him to smile at me, and I want him to pull me into a hug I wanna fucking feel like someone cares." It felt good, though. I miss that emotion. And I'm going to find that.
I still grit my teeth, I still lie about who I am, and I never show people any true side of me.
Here and now we change. And get better. And are more honest. Here.
Signing Off--Lauren
Gabe said hello to me today. My heart fluttered, but then I realized it shouldn't. And it won't again.
