4:15 p.m. | 2004-02-25
Today I Start
It's changed people. I've changed. I've pulled back.
For those of you who were paying attention (I check my IP addresses you snoops, I know who you are, just kidding of course). But I was re-reading things. I was looking over old entries that I remember crying while writing. I remember my favorite entry. I remember being so heartbroken and loving every moment of it.
That's gone. I've become numb. Vicky, from DiaryReviews reviewed my diary. I came to find I have a rather massive site. Lots of "stuff." The errors she pointed out were right. And I fixed them. All but one.
I don't know if I can change myself. I hate "on Saturday I did this..." types of things, and while I have reverted to it sometimes it was only on busy days when I wanted to remember what happened. On my breaks, for example. But somehow along the way I lost it.
What happened to the girl that would hang on every moment? That girl who felt? Sure it was weak, "He doesn't care about me, why do I want him to come under my window again and sing? And why when I say that do I get all teary eyed. I hear a car outside I want that to be his, so bad. It's not, I know it isn't, but I want it to be. I want him to smile at me, and I want him to pull me into a hug I wanna fucking feel like someone cares." It felt good, though. I miss that emotion. And I'm going to find that.
I still grit my teeth, I still lie about who I am, and I never show people any true side of me.
Here and now we change. And get better. And are more honest. Here.
Gabe said hello to me today. My heart fluttered, but then I realized it shouldn't. And it won't again.