7:08 p.m. | 2003-12-14
Pondering The Reasonings
Word of the Day for Sunday December 14, 2003
admonition ad-muh-NISH-uhn, noun:
1. Gentle or friendly reproof.
2. Counseling against a fault or oversight; friendly caution or warning.
Someday,
When I'm awfully low,
when the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
and the way you look tonight
I'm continuing the lyrical thing, simply because music has re-entered my entertainment mindset. It no longer annoys me, and I think that's because I've re-organized, purged, and then downloaded like a maniac. Direct Connect Plus, I give my heart to thee.
But onto what the lyrics have been making me think of...I put a lot of my older literature in here recently, the last 5 entries or so were just placeholders for that (which I wish I could hide somehow, oh well). I put new poetry on here, I put new stories, I put new new new. I wanted to rejuvenate this, but is this rejuvenation?
This big change that's been happening, the whole, moving to college and becoming a new person thing, has it shown? Is it making a presence? My writing's emotive, and not only that but colloquial. I write how I speak. I speak how I feel. Therefore, I write how I feel. It makes me wonder if you could judge where I was based off of all of the base shallow entries versus the ones where I actually ended up thinking and providing myself with something.
Shift One: Here's where I see the major change happening, when I let people see what I was doing. At first my diary had no template, I didn't know the first thing about HTML and I was afraid to mess with any code that this crazy "Andy" kid from DiaryLand had set up. I was new, I was frustrated, and I didn't know where to go with it. But the point was--I didn't care. Then came the day, the ever fateful day when I received my first note. Crazy. Here's what I read:
Yeah, I hear ya. It's not wise to enter into arguments while intoxicated.
It wasn't even anything huge. It wasn't anything major, it wasn't anything mind-blowing...at all. But I didn't have banners, who was I to know what a banner was? I didn't have a nice lay out, uh, lay-out who? This was my 7th entry. How did someone manage to find me after only 7? I wasn't underground anymore, I was real. Creepy. So I started to poke around, way later I got a "template" and even later on I started to learn some HTML (I'd say in about October of this year) and I started editing people's templates and not needing as much help as before. I was smarter with how I picked, I knew what I wanted, I knew pretty much how to make it work, and I wanted it to look a certain way. Sometimes I did things backwards, sure, sometimes I didn't.
Shift Two: After people started reading it, and I got some comments, I started to go a little nuts, I got the Super Gold membership, I started making banners, researching how to make banners, playing with ideas on what makes people like them, testing them. To me, the money was worth it, I didn't like some of the things I was cut out of, and it wasn't that bad, I had worked all summer and hadn't spent much, it was worth it. The diary's focus had changed. It was no longer me talking to me, it was me talking, but waiting to see how people listened. That's not wrong, just--I never knew what the intent of this was.
Shift Three: The last and most recent shift was when I started giving a few people I knew the address, I showed Jessa first. To actually let her know what was going on, but I didn't want to make it a big deal. Soon Jamie had it here, though I wasn't sure whether or not to do that, I didn't mind people at home knowing what was going on, but I like being a bit alone in my thoughts, and having someone who's not only a friend but also someone near me and who knows the people I'm talking about? That's a new theory all together.
So my diary went from something base, to something in the works, to some semi-coherent and semi-ornate piece of work. It's gotten better though; it has taught me that I do want to be honest. I don't want to hide my feelings, and I shouldn't care who has the address or not. I shouldn't hide who I am. I still ponder starting a second address, a secret one which I might even lock so that no one but me can see (but then, what's the point), and perhaps I already have. But it remains to be seen what the point of this is. I know what it has done though, and what it has, is amazing.
This diary has shown me things, it has allowed to me explore myself in a new manner, when I write, it comes out differently than when I type, it comes out in a whole new light, with whole new thoughts. My fingers can finally move fast enough for my mind! But in the same respect I feel I'm cheating myself by not being completely honest. By not being able to open up and say--listen, this is what I think and feel.
Things have become exponentially clearer by the day. Emily, a little lady who found me first, has been incredibly sweet in that she's willing to dig through my website to look at things. Strangely I feel a connection with her after reading her page through a bit. It makes me wonder what makes that connection. What makes me feel like I understand her, or she understands me?
There's just so much on my mind right now, and all I know is that I'm allowed to have it here. I'm allowed to have my sanity, my insanity, my questions, my queries, my ideas all here. There allowed to be here, they're allowed to stay. I like that. As far as a true purpose, I'll figure that out later, once it's gone, once it has completely left my life and is no longer needed. Then I'll know.
Until I figure it out, that's about it, be well...
Signing Off--Lauren
