12:06 a.m. | 2003-12-14
Gabe
Gabe
*Disclaimer: The people's names in the stories have not been changed, nor have the feelings, some facts have been skewed, though to the author and main character, this still leaves the story intact and valid*
There seemed to be no reason for their random meetings. Not that there had been many, it was just that they followed no pattern whatsoever. Not only that, but they were confusing. Lauren could easily see how so many girls had fallen for him, and now she was going. Even though she recognized it, it was like it was a struggle completely in vain. It was the hints--that�s what she figured at least. I mean it didn�t bother her that he tested her by burping in her face, that wasn�t anything new, she knew he didn�t mean it, and that once they were in a relationship�she paused at that thought. They weren�t in one, and they weren�t going to be, yet, for some reason she kept talking about the future.
Not one to fall in love easily she found it difficult to believe that she was seeing him in all these ways, she blamed that one on the fact that he was really open as a person. But it wasn�t like that was all, he just, he understood her, maybe. No, she knew the real reason. It was obvious, she was sure, and once she stumbled upon it she almost wanted to smack herself. She liked him that way because she understood him, and he gave her credit for that. At least that was one of the big reasons. I mean it didn�t help that he was completely sexy and buff, and had told her that she was sexy, and said nice things, and smiled, and asked her what she was thinking about, and paid attention to her, and had great music taste. Sad thing was, that still wasn�t all. It made her cringe when she thought about how she could never actually have him, like he was completely off limits to her. She wasn�t pretty enough first of all, she knew that, she felt bad about that, she wished she could do something about that; she also wished that a guy could get past that and like her for the person she was, which he had said she was sexy, could that mean anything else? Oh wait, yeah it could, he wanted something more than just a kiss from her. She had given him that, kind of willingly, in a sort of way. I mean he kissed her, and he took off his clothes, and she followed, and eventually he had his hands places, and then her mouth went places, and then the words came out of his mouth, �let�s have sex.� Her first response was no, but she wanted to be loved and just appreciated so much, and they had already done some other things, so she said yes. They had only actually gone through with it once, they did less than that a few more times, and he seemed to be pleased, and they did spend hours just lying together, but it seemed that, she didn�t know why, but he just didn�t like her.
She could accept that he just wanted some sort of sexual pleasure, sort of. She had asked him one night, kind of bluntly and a bit inebriated how many friends with benefits he had, he paused, she asked again, just an estimate, 4? 396? His answer was still shocking, 20ish. He actually said 20ish, first of all that�s a call for help if she ever heard one, second, she was one of those twenty now. 1/20. Not that the odds bothered her, but, she had seen pictures of his ex girlfriends, they were all pretty, and he was definitely attractive, so he could get just about any girl he wanted. Then, why did he go for that 1 out of 20, why not for another one, she was positive the other girls had to be prettier, at least most of them. Not that what they had done had been mind blowing, it just confused her as to why he would call her. He hadn�t really called her that last time, she had found him, and he had mentioned he was hungry, and she had mentioned that she did offer him a dinner sometime, and it just so happened he was hungry that night. They went to dinner, saw some of her friends, and eventually ended up at his house. She felt kind of whorish every time she thought of herself and what she meant to him. Thinking about how she was a one out of twenty that had been used, though, she almost felt better, like maybe she offered something to him.
Somewhere in the back of her head she knew, she was nothing to him, she didn�t actually have anything, besides the fact that she was so giving that she�d listen to him for hours as well as buy him food, and take him places and, there were plenty of other things. There was no way she felt bad about doing those things though, that was her choice, and she enjoyed it. She�d always laid herself out there like a floor mat for others to wipe their feet on, because of course afterwards, their feet were clean. She laid herself out there, how could she blame them for using her, then? How would that be fair? Well, thing was, she didn�t blame them, she wasn�t upset at them at all in fact, she was upset at herself for letting it happen with those she really didn�t care about. Gabe, on the other hand, she actually cared about, and it didn�t hurt her in any way to do things like that, she didn�t even think twice about them.
She had met a few true friends that way, a few. More than anything she wanted to be able to say, �I�m friends with Gabriel.� Not even to be able to push it farther and say I�m having sex with him, or to say that I mean the world to him. She just wanted to be able to be close to him, because he truly was an incredible guy, truly. She was leaving in a month and a half. And at the rate they were going right now, there was no way they could have that. I mean, they knew quite a bit about each other already, but a relationship like that takes time to push into talking to each other regularly, and keeping any kind of contact. She was growing up, she was moving thousands of miles away, to a big city--she was going to Boston. He was staying here, but he had a job with a heating company�driving�a truck. Not like he didn�t have promise, he did, he was smart and motivated and accomplished everything he wanted to. But he refused to go to college and not know what he wanted to do for a year or two, he wanted to know. He wanted to sing. He wanted to work for the military as a sniper. He wanted to be so many things that, he was nothing. And it wasn�t that she held that against him, it�s just that they were completely opposite people. Perhaps same in childhood, and in mental capacity, but as far as future went, they were too different. She was made for the big city; she couldn�t see herself living in that town anymore. It was too pristine, and people took time too slow, and they just, they didn�t understand her. She was sure to be a bit out of place in the city, but not like that was a new thing to her. It could almost be guaranteed that at some point she�d put on her cowboy hat, a tank top, and some older jeans and walk around like normal. Sure people would stare, but that was her, different. Not like she had a place, she just needed to try and find a new one.
It had taken her by surprise when summer hit, she had nothing to do. She tried to get a job, but in the search the only one that became feasible was the one that started half way through. But until then she just kind of, didn�t know what to do with herself. I mean it wasn�t like she didn�t have friends, she had a cell phone full of people she could call, but it turned out that all 60 people that had been with her the last year had left her socially inept. She could go out and party, once the party had already started, and someone had taken her. She couldn�t just call up people and see what they were up to, and go hey, come hang out with me or something. She needed to start that soon. After graduation parties, and she had given Gabe her number, she found herself, falling away from everyone, maybe she thought, she should make a list. Then Gabe came into the picture, and he distracted her thus far for a few weeks. She wanted someone at that point, someone either being a boyfriend or just someone she could call up at any point and just say, �hey, let�s hang.� That�d be too cool, though, she�d have to have a way of doing that; she didn�t. She felt so tiny most days, so young and yet so mature, and here she was going off to this huge city with this big school and she wasn�t even so sure in herself that she could do it.
Growing up was scary, and she admitted it. She actually had never had sex until Gabe, he was the one who took her virginity, and that was fine with her, she had no qualms there, he pushed her to a new place. She felt more adult, sure, but, not that adult. Left to her own devices could she do it? She missed him; every time they were together, she would be stuck on him for about 3 days, and then it�d sort of start to go away, she�d stop obsessing, but just a little. She had never truly believed to herself that men would do anything, I mean in some circumstances, but she was one out of twenty, remember. Why couldn�t he have just left her? Completely walked away and just never ever called her, or answered her calls or just�why did she have to be so torn up over it? It wasn�t that he was her first, as far as sex goes. Maybe it was just that he was the first guy who had ever said things like that to her. That had told her she was sexy, not just pretty, but sexy, who had told her that she understood him so much more than anyone else. Maybe she should just let it go, follow the old rule of play hard to get. That was her decision that night, no more phone calls, you can talk to him only when he contacts you, and no desperation, none. He has girls he can go for, and if he wants some easy satisfaction, he can go there. If he wants something that means a little more, and is from someone that cares a bit more, though, then he could call her.
It took strength, for her to sit there at 9:45 on a Wednesday night and not call him, to sit there and go, �ok, I don�t need him, I can entertain myself and not be a complete retard. Maybe she�d just have to become way more into music, or call up one of those friends. Maybe. She�d call her friends; that was her final decision that night, she would actually make a list of people and call them. She�d get her chores done, and go to work, and hang out with fun people. Maybe that would work, and she wouldn�t end up crying that he wasn�t there.
She wasn�t sure what his feelings for her were, well she had a guess, but she hadn�t gotten them confirmed, though she always only seemed to think of it like that, not really about what her feelings were, maybe because she thought they were exactly what she thought. Though, when she actually put some thought into it, they weren�t. She wasn�t sure what she wanted from him. Giving him pleasure made her happy, and it made him happy too, she thought at least. And she would be completely satisfied with a relationship that was nothing more than that, random satisfaction when he needed it. Though, on the same exact side she would be willing to try and be something more with him, in fact, she liked that idea, she just kept getting it out of her mind because she didn�t feel worthy.
Not that it was good for her, but talking about what she had done, made her feel better about it, and made her feel cool, like she could still live in the moment.
She didn�t get to call any of her friends the next day. In fact, she came home at one point and he called her again, and invited her over. It�s almost worse in a way, but they didn�t do anything. In fact, they weren�t even in the same room. For some reason she cleaned, she cleaned the kitchen that had to be the most disgusting thing she�d ever seen. Surely cleaning made her happy and satisfied, but it wasn�t like she had just done it for a friend, and granted she had agreed, even suggested to the terms of him being downstairs while she cleaned, she still found it heart wrenching that she would do something like that again. That will, once so strong, had crumbled in seconds. She had been so steadfast and yet the second he said, �still don�t want to be at home?� she fell, and hard. She needed to learn a big lesson, maybe this was important maybe it would be her first difficulty like that, and maybe it needed to be learned. Though, there was absolutely no fun involved in the process.
That seemed to be the deal at the time, though, it wasn�t fun when she sat there thinking about it, but in all reality she still wanted to call him, it still made her happy when she was with him, even when she was cleaning she wasn�t thinking of what she was doing, she was singing, and smiling and just generally happy. It didn�t seem fair to her, for her to be the one chasing, maybe it�s because she�d never been chased, but it still didn�t seem fair. She figured that there was no way just to completely let him go, so instead she�d go about her own life, she�d call her friends, and if he called, she would talk to him, if he asked her to come over, she�d ponder how long it had been. In fact, he had only really asked her to come over once, the other times they ended up somewhere, not been asked. She had to remain strong, be the good one, she would fall she was sure, but she was going to make it better.
It had been a day or so since the resolution. It had made things better, every time she thought about him she thought immediately about how she wasn�t supposed to. She was hanging out with some friends one night, and she, in a weird way and in a desperate way kind of manipulated a mutual friend of Gabe and hers, who had no idea they had been doing things, into calling him. At first she just wanted Gabe to think that she was still able to hang out without him, she had friends too. He was busy, so he offered to call her back, when he called her friend back, unbeknownst to Lauren, he was invited over to watch the movie.
He walked in, through the back door, she had carefully placed the pillows around the room and the people were just perfectly seated so there was just the perfect room on the love seat. He looked at her, surprised to see her of course, even though he had seen her car, but he found a seat on the couch, on top of all these blankets. A place she would have looked at and ruled out for sitting. She got over it, and tried to be seductive for the rest of the movie. She caught him looking at her once, as she took a drink, she made eye contact with him and coolly looked away. She had the role down. She would smile at the parts she knew he would laugh at before he even laughed. She knew he was looking, and it showed that she was just as into this deep movie as he was.
That night ran late, and had there not been other people, she might have done something. Though, instead she went the other way. They hung out for a while, one of her friends went to bed and it was a friend, Gabe, and herself sitting there. They played around and even played purity until about 5:30 AM. He was cool, at one point he put his leg against hers, she pushed against his a little, though stopped herself from thinking of it in any other way and wouldn�t do any kind of flirting action at all. That was kind of a turning point, well before that actually, the leg was what had brought her back, earlier that night it was like a mixture of lack of sleep and envy had made her bitchy. She started acting kind of rude, and mean, and just in general, way more negative than she had wanted to be. It was alright though, she was sort of jealous, which was stupid. Really stupid in fact.
She felt bad, for acting like that. It was a guess of hers, though, that it didn�t really matter. He had left a ring with her friend that night, on accident. He was worried that she would think the wrong thing. She hadn�t. Lauren retrieved the ring, and called him once, then again to make sure he had gotten the message. He came to pick up her ring that night. She wandered out to his car, where he had met her halfway, in the driveway. He pulled her into a hug, the first time ever, in fact. She accepted of course and went to go hand him the ring, he was on the phone with a girl, and he motioned his thumb up so she could put it on him. She laughed and told him to start listening to his phone, not talking to her. He acted silly. He leaned up and kissed her forehead. She almost melted, he started to walk away, she weakened, she pulled him in for a hug, and then let him go. She didn�t watch him go. She walked inside, sat down at the computer and lost 9 games of solitaire�straight. She hadn�t really talked to him since. Made her feel alright, but she still wanted to, she kept on thinking of him. Every night around eleven she would pause and think about being with him, wondering if he was doing anything.
They would randomly run into each other, and one night, he mentioned he was hungry, the same way he had when they had gone out last time. She was rather forward, and told him that if he wanted to do something, he should just come out and say it. They ended up with a pizza at this little place outside of town, overlooking most of the city; they sat on the ground and looked at the lights and the lightning. She laid down to look at clouds in the sky, he placed his hand on her stomach, bumping it off she told him, no. He put it back, she pushed it, said I�m not kidding, a little more forcefully, but still playfully, he put his hand back, she pushed it off and placed it on his thigh. He seemed to get the message, though ironically, it wasn�t the one she had wanted to give off. She wanted him to kiss her, or do something, but like any respectful boy should do, he stopped.
They moved to the car when it really started to rain, he lay against her once or twice, briefly, and she enjoyed it, a lot, though�it seemed as if she�d make comments that would make him move. The last thing she wanted to do was to get him to go away, but, she was the one who was pushing. Maybe her heart had learned a lesson, and it was bitter, and pushed, but her brain sure as hell wanted to keep going. She played it cool, though, like she almost always did with him. He went home, this time at about 2, when he mentioned he should get home soon, something about leaving his keys. As they sat there in their last few moments, she thought about the date, and mentioned that she was leaving in 23 days, only 23. As he got out of the car that night he mentioned that they should get together before she left, she agreed, and wished him a good night.
She got home, got ready for bed, and sat there just thinking as she heard a car outside, she hoped it was his, as she heard music coming from it, and other than to get her attention what could it be from? The neighbors, was the answer. They were outside doing something, picking someone up. She was a bit saddened it wasn�t him, but got on with it, and slept well.
A few days later, possibly out of need from her, she saw him and mentioned something about coffee, saying that she wanted some. He suggested, through a rather confusing way of simple symbols that they should go and get some coffee, more specifically that she should come over and pick him up, bringing him back to her house, where her mother was absent, and they could have coffee. She went and got him. At first they just played around, he gave her this wire networking book as she had joked earlier that she should learn to do it. She made them coffee, they drank it; they talked about some mindless stuff as she cleaned up the kitchen, mindlessly and because he was blocking the exit.
She ended up in the main room with him still sitting in the same doorway as she switched CD�s around and placed them in a player on shuffle. The mix was a sad one, full of love songs and things she could sing to easily. He liked the selection and they played around a little with words, talking back and forth, he actually started to push it to a deeper though plateau this time. He explained that he didn�t believe a person could enjoy some of the same things unless they had been through the same experiences. He specifically spoke of being in love, and especially just being someone, whether it be laying with someone, getting a kiss or just a look. He said they wouldn�t understand, another girl he liked, she couldn�t understand. The way he put his sentences it made her wonder if possibly he wanted her to ask if she understood or the like, I think he assumed they did from her answer.
The conversation went deeper. They probed, and probed and went back to the top and then came back down. After they were done bouncing around he paused and rotated himself back towards the kitchen. Not wanting him to go she came next to him and pressed her body close to his. She was careful at first, not being overtly sexual, but in fact it was in more of a caring manner. She began to say things. She began to talk; he stopped putting his shoes on and listened. It took her an hour to stop talking, she would keep going when it appeared he had nothing to say, and it seemed to work that way. She ended up getting him to speak, the only words out of his mouth was that he was sorry that she had just done that. In confusion she asked why he�d be sorry and he followed it by explaining to her that he had felt nothing, the entire time she was explaining to him that he was loved, he had felt nothing. She took it as an insult and pulled away she faced the other direction and truly held back tears, not even to the point of moistening her eyes.
Eventually it came out that it was simply he felt nothing and was numb about his mother, not about how much she cared for him. It was strange, he almost didn�t deny the fact that it was just his mother, he didn�t try and put across the message that he didn�t want to hurt her. It made her wonder. They ended up talking more, and it wasn�t until 7 in the morning that he got home this time as she drove him home.
They didn�t speak for a while, not really anything at all, he had mentioned that night that she should come to church sometime, see if she could find god because as he said god filled the room as they played their music. That left her in a predicament. She didn�t believe in a higher power, she didn�t really want to go, but it would make him happy. If she did go and didn�t become a new person, he�d be upset. If she went she couldn�t have a change, she was too much herself. If she didn�t go he�d either think she wasn�t willing to give things a chance or she was afraid, but either way he�d be upset.
They left it at that. It wasn�t until 8 days before she left that they met up again. She only remembered that it was 8 because she mentioned it that night in the hope that they would do more that week. She didn�t want to let go of someone that understood her that well but it had to be assumed that she�d have to at some point. They did their usual that night, they went up to look over the city, they ended up flirting, there was foreplay, and then there was action. It wasn�t that she wanted it to happen, which she did, it was more that she didn�t want to let go.
It was the day before she left that she went to church. She wasn�t sure why she did it. She assumed she had to give him things anyway. He never got them, ironically, but she did see him at church. She wasn�t changed. She was approached by so many random people it was scary, but she wasn�t changed. She ended up giving him a going away gift, poems by Luis Borges and a small journal with some of her poems in it. She asked him to write in some of his own and to send it to her. She wanted to spend her last night with him. She didn�t. She didn�t even stay up to see the sunrise like she wanted to. She fell asleep not in her bed, but on the futon outside of her room.
It�d been days since she�d heard from him. She was nothing to him but she wanted to be something so bad that as she sat and listened to suggestive lyrics she knew him being gone would be a big deal. There were so many things she related to Boston that for some reason took on meaning to him as well.
The sad songs that used to hurt now became clear. The lyrics she listened to no longer were just passionate. She felt them the same as they were written. She sat there in a foreign bed she couldn�t help but think of how sad and pathetic this world around her was. Yet, she still wished to delve into it and let it wrap and cover her like a blanket. She wanted to be immersed in the stupidity of it all and not realize.
She wanted to be like everyone else for a change. He made her feel that, Gabe made her feel like she wasn�t alone, like the smiles on his face were genuine. Even though she realized, and it hurt to do so, that those smiles most likely weren�t for her. She has learned so much in 7 days and it made her realize some of the things she had done. She was pretty sure Gabe would leave her life sometime. He�d grow up and find a girl, finally be �ready� for a relationship. There�d be a distance and someday she�d have to let go. She didn�t want him to be the only one in her life out there, but there was a possibility he was the only one who could ever love her like that.
She wanted to be appreciated, and to accept it as the truth. She hadn�t gotten there--yet.
The next time she had any kind of contact with the topic of him was after she had arrived in Boston, she had even had a week or so to settle in. Things had calmed down, she was getting into the flow of things, she thought about him less and less. She had her books out one night, bouncing in her chair and highlighting as she got a call from a friend of hers. They were talking, just checking up when her friend paused uncomfortably. They has a discussion, the last week Lauren and Gabe had been exploring their friendship together�he had started to look at this friend of hers.
Words that had never exited his mouth for Lauren came easily from him to her friend. He told her she was beautiful, that he was interested in a relationship with her.
She swallowed hard. She gave her friend counseling, though Lauren had never told her what she and Gabe had done. She told her details, a kiss on the hand, a smile, the like. But never to the depth that she felt they actually went.
Over the next weeks she heard more details, they weren�t rushing into things, they hadn�t kissed, he was being a �good boy.� Gabe shared his frustration with life one night, Lauren tried to help, and she told him straight a few times. It was something she used to do, but took a while to take effect. They talked about where his inner frustrations lay, he disagreed, and she pushed. Until the very moment her friend was available. His attention moved, there was silence on his end.
She had gained a certain gumption; he hadn�t called her in weeks, so when she got in contact with him she rather bluntly asked what she was to him. He replied in another coded way, �beautiful, attractive, close, a friend.� She sat later and thought on this, whether it was true or not. He was, after all, growing up and getting better. How could he, then, lie to her? If he was no longer woman-hungry he wouldn�t need those words to seduce her.
She was still interested in him, she wouldn�t lie. How could she not when he would say things like that? He told her everything she had wanted to hear, but she still wondered if it was everything he wanted to say. She refused to admit to either answer, for fear of hurting herself.
Lauren�s friend announced one night that she was going to be out in Boston, and so for one Saturday afternoon they spent time together. They walked around the famous parts of town, but as usual the conversation degraded into talk of Gabe. Lauren stood up straight; she acted like she knew Gabe through and through. In comparison to her friend, she did. They discussed at length how much she loved him and how much she wanted to be with him. Even worse was the discussion about how he had become such a better person since she had met him. It frustrated Lauren that she hadn�t made a huge effect on him like that, or at least if she had made an effect, he wasn�t aware and neither were other people. Her friend left and she talked to her once since then, still partially on the topic of Gabe.
It had been weeks since she had any kind of contact with him, more since she heard his voice. She wondered where he was, if he was ok, if she should care. She was so stuck in thought that she never took any action�
