late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

1:00 p.m. | 2007-02-15
Maybe You Want It, Maybe You Need It

I'm confident that if I was ever captured and held that I could get out. If only for my supreme logic skills and my ability to convince myself and others of anything.

I can talk myself out of rational decisions I've made -- and feel completely comfortable about that. I can fall back in love with him after he's beat me, made me cry, and denied me of my choice. I can fall back in love with him when he's dating another girl, being a father to another little boy and ignoring everything I send to him.

I can convince myself that we're right for each other.

And we're not. We're not right for each other at all. We're not even that good together when we are together. We're both too controlling, we're both too involved, we're both too giving. The only reason that I think that I get along with him is the fact that I meld the way I'm actin to make us get along like that. Hanging out with him seems so non-chalant and as I was thinking about it -- it seems so natural -- but I'm acting. And I'm acting (and telling lies) so well even I can't tell.

I want to have him (someone) kiss me when he walks in. I want to be grabbed and hugged in the kitchen on our way out to the hot tub. I want 'I love you's' and I want 'I want you's' and phone calls back.

And I'm never going to get that, and I KNOW that. It just makes me wonder, if I know so well that it's not going to happen, why I always have so much hope.

How can I be so hopeful about something so bleak?

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