late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

9:50 a.m. | 2006-08-20
He's Sleeping in my Bed as we Speak

I have a very strange way of looking at life. I watched a set of documentaries the other day and I put myself in all of their places.

I always claimed I could be a military wife (but it's only because I'd love the severe heart break of being away from the one you love). Within two hours I had been part of a polygamist church, returned from Iraq with PTSD, been addicted to meth and had tested HIV positive. The last one was the one that got me the most.

I got up off my chair and sat in my bed and clenched my stomach remembering everything I knew about how HIV tests were done and how long it could take the virus to show up. I sat there and thought that there was a chance that in my (albeit minimal) sexual exposure that I had contracted aids. I'd never asked if any of the guys I was sleeping with had it. I'd been careful and used condoms and even the morning after pill. But could I had HIV?

I paused and went to the website they linked me and in one of those "panic and close all of the screens open on the computer" moments I freaked out and retreated to the kitchen. I think I should get tested. Even if it's just to have a test that says negative.

But what if he had HIV? What if since the last time we slept together he contracted it (he'd never be the type of person to know)? What if he didn't know and I didn't know? What if I then had HIV? I know the condom lessened my risk but...come on, it's risk. It started to bother me so much that I just kept taking deep breaths in telling myself it's ridiculous that I don't have HIV or Aids.

I don't have aids. Logically -- I don't. I've slept with 4 people and all of them have been middle to upper class white boys who haven't had much sexual exposure. Except one. He's the only wild one in the bunch but he sleeps with underage church-going girls, so I doubt that he really has contracted anything too bad. It's just...what is it about me that loves to think of those horrid situations and how I'd handle them and how I'd do the best at them? The ultimate challenge? I don't know but I don't want to test those waters.

I turn 21 today.

ante / comment / post