12:21 p.m. | 2006-05-28
I Can't Believe We'd Lie in Our Graves
Swelling up inside of me is fear.
I'm not a scared person. Spiders, snakes, tigers, what not don't frighten me. What gets to the very core of me is rejection and failure. Usually this takes on a very relationship based notion -- don't leave me (though I so rarely seem to let this outward, it just eats at my soul) or I'm not good enough (eats away at me daily sometimes others not).
It has wiggled its way into other parts of my life, though. I'm hoping the lesson I've learned in the last year (preparation can help you not to fail) helps in this situation because for once my dreams are so big I just want to grab on and ride (is this ambition?).
"Logic Lauren." "You're the smartest person I know." "You'd be a t-rex in that field!" "Honestly, you have the best mix of personal smarts, emotional intelligence, and drive." But Harvard? I mean I only walked on the campus and through the dorms and got intimidated.
Not intimidated just -- realized in one singular moment what I would be good enough to get had I actually put any effort forward in my life. And perhaps that will come to bite me in the ass -- or perhaps I will be able to make up for (with hard work) that which I walked over before.
Can you nurture flowers back to life which you yesterday tramped to the ground?
I fear failure -- and I fear plan "b" and I fear all of the things saying to me that this isn't a good decision.
What I feel is that the best I can do is all I can do. I'm studying for my LSAT a year and a half early (I'm serious about this, guys). I'm checking out my financials NOW. I'm looking at guides and buying books and become a better person and working at it now. If all my ducks are in a row there's no telling what I can do...