10:10 a.m. | 2006-05-19
Dying to Live
I guess it makes sense.
After all this strife and all this worry and all this ho and hum and huff and puff -- I'm back to basically the same place feeling basically the same. My sheets no longer smell of him and I sometimes close my eyes to think of what I did on them. My arms are still sore but they will mend and I figure it was worth it -- if not just for this lesson.
I had bad timing, let that get to my heart, did things that I honestly did want to do and in the end I sat there waiting by my phone for someone else.
It's all sick and twisted and it made me realize something -- I compromised who I am and what I want in order to get what I wanted. It's a little backwards but I walked into something that wasn't love in order to get just a taste of what I wanted so bad.
I knew it would lead to this. I knew even as I did it that I would be in this situation later. I remember coherently thinking about the empty feeling and the used feeling and the upset stomach that would come.
And they did. And it wasn't fun. But I'm ok. I'm better for it.