late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

12:41 p.m. | 2005-12-13
Is It Really Too Much To Ask?

I've been cancelled on more in the past two days than I care to admit.

I shouldn't even be saying this, just in case, but I have been left out, ostracized, and forced to abandon plans all by the people who are never supposed to do those things. I'm left sitting in my room trying to cry so quietly that even with the open door they couldn't hear me.

I've just been thrown around like a rag doll and while yes this is precious time for them and theirs they don't have the foresight (nor should they) to know that I'm going to be alone for the next 3 years. Because this is the last time they come home. Their fancy college educations require them to go abroad for breaks and spend summers on internships.

I know I'm being selfish but you told me that we'd hang out today.

I got up at 7 am and went for a brisk walk to get coffee (which I so rarely drink) just so I could take a shower and speed through my studying in order to have enough time for you. But I didn't need time for you because as it turns out you aren't going to hang out with me. In fact you're just going to stay with your father (whom you hate and can't stand) all day long.

I never cancel on my friends, I won't make the date unless I know that I can make it. I guess that's why I'm so lonely. But I take it ever so personally when I'm left behind. It reminds me of the countless nights I had gotten my hopes up that I was going to go out and escape reality and then ended up in bed at 10:30 after Law & Order.

I'm just starting to think people don't care.

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