11:01 a.m. | 2005-11-04
You're Wide Awake Planning Parties
I haven't been anywhere near caring in months.
I haven't given a shit, and have done nothing but putting things in for posterity's sake. Who deserves that?
Who deserves me being half human and half hearted?
I haven't heard a song I liked in just as much time, haven't felt like I wanted to, haven't talked to someone like I planned on, haven't done so many things that I used to do so regularly.
I just feel so cheap because even this isn't real. I mean, yes, this is how I feel. But that doesn't mean it's good for you to read. It doesn't mean it's healthy for me to say or feel. I just can't help the feeling that the trees are empty again (those few already brown leaves holding on for dear life). The streets are empty too, huge winds carried them away yesterday like industrial sized leaf blowers. Now it's sunny outside (if you were to have woken up in July it would almost look the same) and looks like it's warm -- the 70's of spring I see? But it's bone chill cold.
Cold where you need a jacket but don't bring one because it's so sunny.
I don't want to face tonight. I was fine going to all of those other concerts alone -- because they were music, they were loud, they were bop around and they were amazing. Tonight's concert? He's sweet, and love, and honest, and everything I don't need right now. Everything I don't need to be reminded of.