6:59 p.m. | 2005-10-20
Wasted My September You Stuck Up In My Head
Every time I make offhanded comments about me not being worth it I get a backlash of people telling me I'm insane.
That in and of itself should be enough to push back my own self doubt and be ok. It's not of course.
I just have to remember that it's just a matter of time. If I have people looking at me like that now imagine what it'll be like in a job setting. Imagine what it'll be like when I get to choose my life.
That look? Oh how to explain it. I pull these sentences out and people just stare back at me and blink in sort of a 'how the fuck did she know that or draw that conclusion...' manner. I don't want to brag it's just something I've always gotten in non-honors classes. I get that look a lot.
Someday people won't look exactly like that. There will be a bit more awe and a bit more interest from the right folks. Because I have skills and I have good things about myself and it's just my age and my own insecurities that are keeping me from being happy.
It's just that the list of boys I once had (those I still had my hooks in, those I could easily have them in, those I wanted to) is now down to zero. I'm limited to looking at that boy in calculus who has the same ipod cover I do and that cute nose ring. I'm relegated to noting that the same business major is sitting at a table near me doing interviews almost every day.
A glance at me from across a table can't let them see what they'd get. Makes me think I should just start wearing a shirt with my top 20 qualities or things I offer. It'd get attention in the least.