late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

11:07 a.m. | 2005-10-14
Pin Your Wings

I've been swallowing some things lately.

I was stuck in a whirlwind for a long time. You could see me go into tizzies when I was either in a relationship, involved in pursuing one, or just being around one person for a long period of time. I would learn new things about myself and exploit those to the best of my abilities.

But I haven't been in a relationship in months. I haven't been interested in just as long (broken hearts do that). And I've been too busy to see friends worthy of showing me who I am (and closing myself to those who might). But again, like an addiction, I find myself yearning to lose this gained ignorance of the past few months.

Because admittedly I'm lonely. And this loneliness is produced from me being without those sorts of connections.

I've aged.

I looked down the other day to realize that it was just yesterday that I pondered over the fact that I was nearly 18 and would soon be running off to a new city (and would obviously shake this cloak of lonely and upset). Two years later. Two years seems so small, and from 42 to 44 it is small. 18 to 20? I feel like suddenly I'm running out of time. As if complaining before was acceptable but complaining now is just excessive and ridiculous because I really should be focusing on getting things done and getting into better places.

Someone tell me 20's not old and I'm not running out of time.

'Cause otherwise I'm going to give up.

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