11:18 a.m. | 2005-09-23
Two Brothers On A Hotel Bed
Sometimes I go away.
I lose all focus and understanding and purpose and I just leave. It usually happens when I feel comfortable with my surroundings and nothing is picking up my interest but it's been happening more frequently.
I can't control what I do doing these periods, I never have been able to. My mind just starts walking and it isn't until I flash back to who I am and where I am that I can get at least a moderate grasp on what's going on. I tend to breathe in quickly and shake my head once.
It's been happening so much more recently. It says to me that I don't want to be where I am. Why is that? Where I am is great. I'm just so anxious about the future. My skin crawls as I think about what I want to end up doing, who I want to end up kissing, where I end up living, and all of the things I end up being remembered for. I feel like I'm some sort of horse sitting at the gates just waiting for them to open.
I've started to ingore necessary tasks again -- I put my dishes in the sink and don't wash them right away, I leave my clothes near the hamper, not in it, I need to go to the grocery store, and I should have gotten tickets to the football game.
I just don't feel like me in this moment. I'm doing so much right now (between work and school and life) that I feel like I'm moving just fast enough to not be able to catch up on who I am and what I'm doing. It's frustrating. Life just needs a new image.
And I fear not, I know it'll be happening soon.
