late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

10:28 p.m. | 2005-07-30
Harder Now That It's Over

I don't think people get it some days.

In fact I know they don't. I know that when people catch me quickly wiping a tear from my cheek or catching my breath on the phone so I don't sound so stuffed up from sobbing they have no idea why.

Most times it's small things that set it off, people making comments in ways that they don't mean to make them. Making a judgment on the state of my house (when in my head I've been beating myself for not staying up until 3 to clean it even though I have work in the morning) will send me straight into that state. Especially since I'm not the only one living here or making messes here. I like to make progress silently, without anyone knowing, and so when they make a comment about how I should be working on something I almost immediately start tearing myself to pieces on the inside.

It's not like my schedule is wide open.

It's not like I spend hours a day standing around or go out for nights on end. No, I get up and I go to work and I get done what has to get done and sometime in the night I get so tired that I pass out and get up and do it all over again.

And if I feel like I'm pushing myself harder than anyone else pushes themselves, why do I feel like I'm failing? Like everything I do is in vain? Like I don't have time to clean the kitchen let alone breathe?

How do I fail when I push so hard?

I took a year off to grow up, and I ended up in a place so much farther from where I started than I had ever imagined. The problem was...I was already distant from the rest of the world, this just made it ten times worse. I tried to pretend to boyfriends or friends and make them feel like they "got me" or "understood how I felt." In all reality, though, they had and have no idea. I know no one anymore who understands who I am. I only know people who make bad judgments of me and when they say them out loud they hurt to my core.

I get that same look out of everyone these days. Same blank eyes. Same pointless off topic comments. Same "advice" when none was asked for and when it's not even close to being pertinent.

And I'm just not starting to realize that this isn't so average. Because while most people feel misunderstood...they at least have some understanding from people. But I've never met a soul in this life that's seen what I have and hurts the same ways.

I'm getting so tired of crying alone.

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