9:17 p.m. | 2005-07-20
I Just Want It To Be Real
I am so desperate to be happy.
But I suppose I'm only so desperate to label it as that because I've never been more desperate in my life. So at this moment, this very second, feeling like this is tearing at my heart and my soul.
Things have been good and not busy, but I find myself in a clutter of space that I refer to as my room. I want to sleep in late and go to bed early and I have to drag myself to social functions.
It's hit me recently that while I may have only grown a year or so, my world has changed. In high school I'd date someone because we went to class together, or we met at a party. No one asked me out at work, no one saw me at the local digs and thought I was cute. I was in high school and that was the way things were done. To an extent, it's still supposed to be that way, you're not 21 so you can't go to the most social place of all that is agreeably the place where people go to meet people.
Plus, the times I have ended up in bars I haven't been approached much if at all. And I'm not sure that I want people picking me up at bars. The types of people I feel I deserve or would like to be with wouldn't be circling bars picking up women.
I've been thinking that maybe I need to get out more. Maybe I need to do things that people later in life do. I've always wanted to join a salsa club, and I've been looking for a low cost one or something ran through the school, and while I'd be scared walking in there for the first time, I'd be excited.
I've lost something recently. Some vibrancy in my face, some glint in my smile, some bounce in my step. I've let go of something so internal I don't even know what it is. I feel like I've lost hope even though it's only been a few months. I've started stepping back from situations and realizing that maybe they weren't the best for me. That maybe I shouldn't be waiting around for them.
Suddenly for a night I had attention and it felt so good. So to have it ripped from me feels so wrong. His timing is impeccable. He never comes around and holds me tight when I'm dating someone, or winks at me when I have a crush on someone. He always holds me hand the moment I become so much more desperate than I've ever been before. At the point when I'm barely standing and about to give up, he's there.
He's always been there when I fell, only he never knew I was falling.