late nights and loud fights
it's all just a blur

12:32 a.m. | 2005-07-17
Buyer Beware

She looked me in the eye and said, "wow, you're a great friend."

She knew the background between Gabe and I, the way I held my resolve until the moment he was free (at which point I promptly turn to jelly), and she still said that.

I had a ton of naysayers ask me recently to leave this scum ball behind, to kick him to the curb and finally reclaim my heart. I'm sick of it. Yes, I had said a lot of negative things about him but I would never stay near him if he didn't offer me something.

I wish I could show you the tone in his voice when he called me last night, when he begged me not to sleep with him but rather to talk to him and hold him and tell him that I loved him. Because he didn't want me to cuddle and suck and fuck, he wanted me to play mommy and to hold his hand and show him what his mother should have shown him in the first place -- that he's worth it.

Because when he's into you? When he really wants to be good to you? He's amazing. He is that guy that buys roses. He is that guy that writes songs and poetry and becomes enamored with you. He is that guy that's willing to learn another language and who would drop everything for you. He is.

Just because he never was with me does not mean that he isn't that person.

Because...and I've come to accept this, he was truly only interested in me for about three weeks. I met him, he asked for my number, we hung out, I liked him, we slept in the same bed, we talked deeply and openly, and eventually we slept together. And somewhere in there he realized that I just wasn't what he wanted. Though, when offered the chance, he would easily tag along with me or sleep with me or whatnot. I was convenience, and I offered myself as that so I can't be upset that it happened like it did.

I just wish people could see what a gem he is. I wish he could see what a gem he is. Of course I have these grossly inaccurate theories of me fixing him and making him realize just how wonderful he is and him coming back to thank me, but I rarely latch onto those. Because those hopes take so much effort even to think about, let alone enact. So for now I'm satisfied with what role I do play to him.

I wish I hadn't made you all think he was such an ass, because he isn't. I mean he acts like an ass to me at times, but he himself is not one. He's genuinely caring and become so much more appreciative in the past few months.

I guess I'm just looking forward to seeing him grow up.

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