8:07 a.m. | 2005-07-03
Do You Believe?
I've been having these momentary bouts of depression recently.
I'm a generally content person (even when I'm writing of misery I've actually got a smile) especially when it comes to contact with the outside world. But in the last week I've had several of these gut wrenching moments that just push me to the edge and make me want to cry.
They only last about 20 minutes at most, but I'm not just sad, I'm almost incapacitated. I almost can't breathe and I almost can't stop thinking about things and I almost can't move. It's this terrible feeling because I hate not being in control and suddenly I spiral into these funks.
I usually have small waves in my life, ups and downs, but the entire time most people think I'm terribly content. But for the past week I've literally had people look at me with these looks of concern and ask if I'm ok, or if I need something, and I've never been able to open my mouth enough to say yes, or even had enough time to figure out what help it is I need.
I'm pretty sure I know what it is, but how can that be? So soon? I'm not one to let go like that and for the last week I've let everything slip from my fingers. I can't fall back into this again, I've done it too many times this year and every time I do something goes wrong and they go away. I can't be feeling this way again.
Giddy and gut wrenched I find myself half standing and clasping my stomach.