12:15 p.m. | 2005-06-16
Every Day I Struggle to Define Family
I've just come to a conclusion.
Not a lifetime based epiphane, but one of those, 'well fuck it's going to happen so I might as well come to terms with it.' So I've come to terms with it. Not that I like it, but I've accepted it, and I think that is a big step.
I had to confront my parent's divorce last night. I didn't even have to look at it, I was walking on a path miles from it, and just knowing it was there made me start to sob. Because I'm terribly selfish, and I'm so broken on the inside (and terribly composed on the outside) that I do my best to be able to help people.
Either way I was forced to think about myself and relationships and everything I feel and act about them. I always looked at myself as emotionally advanced because when it came to relationships I was always the mature one. The one with the adult point of view, and the one who rarely got all giggly and sick over boys. I always figured once I ran across one with more or less the same emotional maturity that I'd be set.
But I've come to realize that I'm just going to have to wait. I can see and taste being grown up so bad. I can see my gorgeous hardwood floors and boring saturdays of trimming the bushes and I absolutely adore the thought of it. But no one my age is at that stage yet. No one around me is at that stage, whether or not they're my age. They're still grasping to how they acted in high school and wanting to go back so bad.
I know, though, that I need to cherish the last few months of my teen years. I know that I will look back and wish that I had. I feel like I should be playing every night, and never sleeping, and buying things on my credit card so I can pay them off later.
This was no where near as eloquent as I had hoped. I just can't handle being who I am right now (even though I know this is me) and almost feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I miss him. I miss the way I wasn't disgusted by his touch. Why is it that every person who's tried to get close to me recently I've literally gagged as they neared me? I get this sick feeling in my stomach and start salivating like I'm going to throw up when they even near me. It's strange.
